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The hours blurs by. Tomorrow becomes today. I look in the mirror, at the smudged glass that mirrors my crooked reflection and all I can think is: you saw me. Or I think you did. I hope so. I hope you didn't see past me. I hope you weren't looking at someone else and I got it all wrong.
I focus on the mirror again. There's a ghost inside me now, whispering in my ear. I am not worthy of this life. I am not worthy to still stand. They are labels floating above my head. They call me incompetent and undeserving and weak. They should be like plastic cards but they are not. They are shackles and chains and I am far worse. They cuff themselves to my ankles and drag when I move.
They will be my third death.
The first two are a secret.
I slip into the garden outside Wangshuu Inn. A dewy grass field speckled with flowers and arched wood bridges and ponds with ducks floating on rafts of lily pads.
You're in the midst of it all: sitting under your favorite tree. Your lips— like fuzzy bumblebees humming in summer— sink into the flesh of a peach. I can't help but watch. You made the simplest things look mesmerising.
I rounded the Inn, closer to where you were sprawled under the tree. I stared and stared and stared. I hadn't meant to, really. I just wanted to take a closer look.
I stepped on a twig.
You whipped around, eyes wide. You smiled when you saw me, let out a puff of air.
You waved me closer.
I think I died a fourth time.
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notes / the general plot of this story is heavily inspired by "boyhoods" written by achillics!it's such a cool book, i totally recommend!
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