"The avatars love" by Box of kalimba is playing while
C, no amount of words will fix the broken actions I did. You're tired of my attempts to text you. You're just not in love with me. You're not amazed at anything that sounds genuine about the person I am. You blocked that love from in yourself that you had towards me. Hopefully you could not be that way when you're reading this. But I can't amend the way you feel towards me. All you see in me is an ex. You fell in love so quickly without actually thinking of what you wanted from me. I know it's my fault that I pushed you away and I didn't want you to leave and I said those things because I was in shock of you leaving me. In all truth. I never wanted you to leave me. I hoped you knew that what I say in hard times like, isn't me. But you defined them as excuses which they were. You're a young girl. I know what I'm going to say next is going to completely drag me through hell between you and I. Which in that case. It's okay. I'm not being rude. But it feels like you weren't in love with yourself. You were scared of commitment and scared to be alone. You didn't make amends with yourself on what you wanted. Did you create your own time alone to like, love, admire yourself? Did you love yourself first before loving someone else?
"You don't know me anymore. I'm a whole new person and everything you're saying here is just a lie into getting me to like you again. I hated the relationship. I hated feeling a burden. I hated you and this now is making it look worse for you. Stop trying to manipulate my emotions and thoughts into what you think of me. I always loved myself"
I don't know how you think or feel anymore. I'm not with you. But I do know one thing for sure. And that's that you were always keeping your emotions to yourself. Avoiding stress and just trying to be happy 24/7. Not opening up. You were always holding in statements and feelings that were also bringing you down. Until I begged you to tell me. The reason why was because you didn't want to hurt me or bring yourself down. Nevertheless, I was always there for you to vent to me (📮) I wanted you to tell me anything that made you upset. Even the breakup. You did realize that you were leaving me in which you were too scared to talk about it due to you knowing how I'd react. I always reacted in a such a sensitive manner. Which probably was the cause of it all. Which I've overcame by fixing my mental health. But you didn't realize that you needed to love yourself first and think if the relationship you were in was fixable. You said it wasn't and it did seem harder to do but it's simple communication and infrastructure. I thought you felt true love towards me and you probably did until my wrong insecurities. While also seeing how someone truly loved you and changed in the process. But you brushed it aside. Blocked off any connection between you and I. Commitment has its ups and downs. And there's always going to be problems along the way. Which is why we communicate to each other about what's on our mind to fix it. You told me that there was no point in fixing something that couldn't be fixed. But the problem wasn't you. It was me. It was always me. We said bad things to each other because of me. I'm changing every day and seeing how to fix myself up. My mind is a lot clearer now. I have my priorities set now. It's my actions and thoughts and how I portray them to everyone and myself. This may all ruin the way you see me now. For example, you pushed me off like a stranger, just in a span of a week. You felt happy so you stayed with me. Until it was enough and ended it. Instead of being happy with yourself and finding your worth. Finding who you really loved. Instead of just blocking issues and avoiding problems. You even told me that too. You hated arguing. But they weren't arguments. They were childish debates. I thought you were fine but deep down C, are you your true self? Are you mature and genuinely happy? Literally I'm happy with myself and yeah its a bummer you're gone but guess what? I still love you. I still accept the decision that happened. Yeah it's kinda of melancholy when I think about you being gone but it's okay. Because deep down, behind that hatred you see me in, behind that wall of strength, lays down a little piece of me, that'll always be there from me. You're big and strong. But in the center of your soul. You're sweet. I know you're not going to look at me in a nice way. Which is okay. Life is life. You want to be mean. Then so be it. You want to kill me. Then so be it. You want to get rid of me and never hear from me again. Then so be it. You want to just never wish you dated me. Then so.
I guess this is dramatic and incorrect. But it's how I see who you really are. Unsure of what you want. I wanted to teach you so much stuff that I've learned from school. Ranging from so many categories. I wanted to have conversations like this with you on your bed. I wanted to teach you everything that I knew, make you laugh and smile. You always dealt with your problems on your own and block anything that did you bad. And no matter if its anything. You thought they will always be that thing they were when it hurt you. Whatever they did is what they'll always be. You didn't make me into that person you wanted until now. I truly did love you. Not for your attractive face or body. Even though I could write pages upon pages about your body. Which I don't think will be delightful in your conscious. I could write a lot about the times it was just us laughing and our moments. But that's for another story. I dated you because of your maturity being greater than these other girls, your morals and growth. I changed myself. My friends, my style, my music, my hair, my love. All for you. I never wanted you to go. I wanted you to stay. I envision this image in my head every single day. Two hands holding each other and you slowly letting go. While I'm trying my best to hang on. But it slips slowly every-time. You could feel annoyed when I say this. You could feel bothered emotions when reading this. You could feel nothing at all. You could have lied to me in any shape or form. You could dislike me, disgust, annoyance or even hate towards me. You could try to hurt me. Say things that'll destroy me to the center of my soul. Make up lies, make up false statements and so much more. I'd still love you. I'd still have those feelings. I know you don't think about me nor care about me but you did at one point which is why I'm telling you this with a change of heart. I forgive you for everything you did. I forgive you for you telling me how you disliked the relationship. I forgive you for not telling me how you really felt all that time and hiding it away. In fear of yourself how id react. I forgive you for everything you did to me, which wasn't severe at all. I forgive you. You're such a young, thoughtful, charismatic girl. He told me "Yeah. She's smart enough to know what she wants and what's better for her in the long run. But listen, don't pressure her into doing stuff she really doesn't like because she bites when you pressure her" But I didn't listen. I didn't listen at all. I'm not saying this in a kind manner. I'm saying this in a sentimental outgoing person to person chat. If you don't think anything I said was true due to this sounding controlling or even trying to manipulate you into liking me back. I'm not aiming for that. I'm not aiming for you to come back to me. I wanted for this to just let you know that I will always truly love you in this world, far deeper than you think and knows what you're capable of doing and would want you to really make you bloom in those areas. You're stronger than anyone I know. If you want me to get out of your hair and I'm just annoying you while you roll your eyes at this. Then it was fun telling you these memories and it was fun telling you how I felt. I'm a man now and I'm not frightened of anything and accomplish the things I always wanted to reach. While also having fun doing it. I loved writing about you. Tears, joy, sadness, excitement, nostalgic. Is all that I felt while writing all of this. You're not feeling this rush of motivation right now like I am. You're not feeling anything because that's how you are. And it's okay. I will try my best to not text you this because it'll be more controversial than you already are at me. So I'll be hold on until I am just eager in sending you this. You could do whatever you want with this information. But just know that all of it came from my loving, jazzy, sensitive heart. I loved waking up in the morning and seeing you. (Even the boogers). I remember when I tried singing when Reese was playing his guitar. It was all to make you feel embarrassed and smile. I did it for you and I would do it over and over again, just to see that smile. Also, I told you from the start I would always be nice. You're a hard headed tough girl that blocks away anything that hurts her. And I never meant to hurt you. But I did. And I'm sorry for that complication between you and I. You were overwhelmed to tell me things because it was working you up. In the end, you pushed me away to run away from these emotions you felt. Which was dragging you down in a bad way. I was dragging you down. Side note: I remember when I slept with you and you and I both fell asleep for so long. We just slept. You around my arms and us snoring like crazy. But I woke up out of the blue and I looked at you. I grabbed your hair and shifted it to the other side of your head. I spoke to myself out loud "I love you C" and a tear rumbled down my cheek. I wanted to have many more but that side of us is broken. Every-time an idea came up to create a new memory. I would only focus on that for days. Until it was perfect. This could all be just the complete opposite and just a mistake to tell you about how I see you. It's not my place to talk about you like this. Nor am I forcing you to feel empathetic towards me again. I'm just telling you this. You and I went through so much stuff together. Sucks that It's all gone now. I thought we'd build a strong relationship. But it was my mistakes. I made you feel entrapped and less independent and make yourself feel less of someone true. I was more of a boyfriend instead of being your love. Which indeed I was, due to school and my stress going onto me. You don't really like this soft stuff that I'm writing to you because that's not who you are. Such a tough straight forward girl when you truly know how you feel. God damn girl. You broke up with me. What a heartbreaker. (Joke). I would always understand and hear your problems and in which I'd try my best to find a solution. We both should have understood each other on what the relationship between you and I both was leading to. While also encouraging us to grow up as a couple. I never compared you to anyone of these past individuals I had emotions for. I never felt this way towards anyone and it sucks because you could feel love towards anyone that loved you back. I guess that's love. We should have told each other what we both wanted in the future and settled on commitment and wonder if we're actually going to last. But it was all my fault. I wasn't thinking about anything serious and ask you questions like this. I was so in my own instead of reaching out for guidance and paths to help my problems. In which that lead to me going into your social media account roughly a year ago now. No matter how long it was. It was still wrong for me to do that. I should've respected your boundaries and respected you as a person and not treated you like an enslaved girlfriend under my peer pressure statements. I wanted a long lasting relationship that was worked hard to make. But I ruined the puzzle by being bonded with my problems. I detached from those things now. I don't fear anything and I don't feel like how I used to anymore. I am just floating on in the ocean on a small boat. Carefree. And if I do. I work out on what I need to fix. I am as ripe as a strawberry, ready to be picked out by someone who's ready for a tasteful dance. I ask myself this question. Is there a chance? But the answer is clear as day. No. All of these fun activities I wanted to do with you. I am in more despondent because you don't see me as me. I'm transparent. You were stressed to tell me about the breakup, which may be why you procrastinated and detached from me for a while so that it was easier for you to tell me what you wanted even if you felt that it was going to be easier on me to handle. It wasn't. You hated senseless discussions which is why you raised your voice at me at times. You were filled with empathy overload towards others, which is why you avoided your own stress buildup. I made you feel threatened. Which also concludes why you did everything to get rid of me. If I make you feel guilty or shameful about anything here and make you feel less of yourself, realize that I never would want to make you feel less of yourself than I already did in my past self. Sorry if I did. I would've done better and listened more deeply than usual if you opened up a little bit more towards me C. But it's hard for you to do that and I get it. I would've just comforted you in my room or wherever we are at. Sat down with you and played your favorite song and gave you something to drink and talk. I feel compassion and heartwarming things I want to tell you. But you love another one and just moved on from me. You're happier without me. Even though I never was the person I wanted to be when we did activities. Moving on from the past is what you wanted. Get rid of. But I'll be here alone for a while. Nowadays, people aren't like me. True love. You've moved on and whenever I send you this maybe. You're going to roll your eyes and feel annoyed. That's how you're supposed to be with ex's. I won't forgive your past relationships. They don't deserve it and I don't forgive them. Karma right? But I guess I'm up there with them. No forgiveness from you. Which is why I'm holding on as long as I can and not send you anything. Because it'll make things more complicated at me. Ill be here like forest gump. The lost puzzle. I was just another lover. You push forward seeing which one is good and stick with it. Having fun. And I guess you were bored. In the really long story I wrote about us was all just another boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. I'm always replaceable. No matter how good I am. No matter how much I've changed into a more listening, caring, fun, charismatic, jaw dropping man, growing man. I'm replaceable. If whenever I do send you this.
You're either going to just block me and never see this. Read it and reply back with the final report and end everything there. And lastly just be rude to me. Because that's how you've treated anything that was wrong. Even when I'm not doing anything of that manner. Which is okay. You don't like texting back to anyone like me. So why bother right? Man. I miss your face and your voice. I don't plan on getting into a relationship anytime soon. Because I need time to myself. And plus. I don't see any of these girls the way I see you. They're nothing like you. Am I wrong? Are you no other than anyone? No. You're not. You're a women And I'm proud of you. You've made your decision on what you want. I know we'll never grow old together anymore but you'll never grow old from me. We both taught each other how to live without anyone's help. Even before I met you I was a child. But I guess now I'm even more of a child for writing this and these songs I'm writing so late at night.
And clearly the world isn't filled with butterflies and rainbows, but I knew how to make it feel that way. When you find that item you left over the river. And pick it up from the ground. You'll see that the bottom is faded. But the top isn't. That's my love. Every so gone. But never gone. Right where you left it but still changing ever so slightly. Am I stupid to love you? I'm sorry I'm not like everyone else. I'm sorry that I'm just your problem. I'm sorry that I'm not anyone to you anymore. I'm sorry that I'm just a past guy you met back in freshman year in 3rd period. I'm sorry that I messed us up. Was I good enough?
The times we both had together. How we'd stare at our faces for minutes and just smile, with the pink in our cheeks and I loved what that meant.
What are you running from?... probably me right? lol
Xoxo- J
P.S: you could stop reading after this part if you insist. It's a lot of detailed texts. Plus I know how you are. Angered at me. You probably don't read crap like this.
