Warning!: some self pity, angst.
__________
After school, she went straight home and tiredly greet her family and skip dinner.
She went upstairs as she goes to her room and gently closes the door. She lazily rushes to her bed and jumped in, she sat up as she goes to lock her door and find her LED remote light and turns on her LED light when she turns off her current light and takes her laptop with her to her bed. She opens her laptop and went up straight from chrome to youtube to play her playlist as she clicked it until...
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It started....raining. she can't help but feel oh so comforted by the sounds of the rain and thunderclaps, she then heard her song playing.
[ dandelions - by ruth b ]
Maybe it's the way you say my name
Maybe it's the way you play your game
But it's so good, I've never known anybody like you
But it's so good, I've never dreamed of nobody like you
And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime
And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine
'Cause I'm in a field of dandelions
Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine
And I see forever in your eyes
I feel okay when I see you smile, smile
Wishing on dandelions all of the time
Praying to God that one day you'll be mine
Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time...
She sang along quietly with her song as she let her laptop sit there while she layed down flatly and watches the ceiling boredly while flowing through the music, there was a thunder again and the rain has started to be heavy and loud as the song continues to play..
I think that you are the one for me
'Cause it gets so hard to breathe
When you're looking at me, I've never felt so alive and free
When you're looking at me, I've never felt so happy
And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime
And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine
'Cause I'm in a field of dandelions
Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine
And I see forever in your eyes
I feel okay, when I see you smile, smile
Wishing on dandelions all of the time
Praying to God that one day you'll be mine
Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time
Dandelion, into the wind you go
Won't you let my darling know?
Dandelion, into the wind you go
Won't you let my darling know that?
I'm in a field of dandelions
Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine
And I see forever in your eyes
I feel okay when I see you smile, smile
Wishing on dandelions all of the time
Praying to God that one day you'll be mine
Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time
I'm in a field of dandelions
Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine
She closed her eyes as another song plays automatically..
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[ the side of paradise - by Coyote theory ]
Ask me why my heart's inside my throat
I've never been in love, I've been alone
Feel like I've been living life asleep
Love so strong it makes me feel so weak
Are you lonely? (Are you lonely?)
Our fingers dancing when they meet
You seem so lonely (are you lonely?)
I'll be the only dream you seek
So if you're lonely, no need to show me
If you're lonely, come be lonely with me
Lonely (are you lonely?)
Passion is crashing as we speak
You seem so lonely (are you lonely?)
You're the ground my feet won't reach
So if you're lonely, darling you're glowing
If you're lonely, come be lonely with me
______
Why does she feel like tearing up and curl up into a ball? Well, crying out her genuine emotions and feelings that no one knows about them, self pitying her self and problems. Why does she even feel this way? Why must she hide her emotions? Why hide from others? Why can't she express a single reaction or emotion?
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.
______
Underneath the pale moonlight
Dreaming of a circus life
Carousels and Ferris heights
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
'Cause I'm lonely, I'm so lonely
If you hold me, I'll be your only
Are you lonely? (Are you lonely?)
Our fingers dancing when they meet
You seem so lonely (are you lonely?)
I'll be the only dream you seek
So if you're lonely, no need to show me
If you're lonely, come be lonely with me
Are you lonely?
Passion is crashing as we speak
You seem so lonely
You're the ground my feet won't reach
So if you're lonely
Darling, you're glowing
If you're lonely, come be lonely with me..
______
why must you feel guilty about.....
Everything....?
Back from school ' was i too frustrating to talk to?..' 'Am i letting them down?' 'Am i too mean?' 'Was i selfish??' 'Am i making them tolerate me?' 'Am i too sensitive?'
And with her parents.
'Did i never change?' ' did i disappoint them so much?' 'Am i imperfect for them?' 'do they hate how i act? Of course, right?' 'Why can't i communicate better' 'Why was(top random student's name) better than me?' 'Why can't i change?!?'
'how do they even truly feel about me?...'
'did i hurt their feelings without noticing or realizing at all?'
These thoughts....
make her a lot more frustratingly anxious.
These thoughts make her so upset.
Why can't... she do better?
why can't she be normal like her dad said?
why can't she make these problems go away?
She hated how she acts too..
She hated her body and everything.
She absolutely hated every single thing about herself..
but she thinks it would be no big deal to others...
....
...
..
.
right?
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the silence was so long, her mind went blank for a while as a thunder came and was snapped out of her mind.
she sat right up and checked the time.
2:48
" ....." silent.
she can feel her dried tears from her cheeks as she passed all of her songs in her playlist as another one played again.
[ brutal - by olivia rodrigo ]
_____________
I want it to be, like, messy
I'm so insecure, I think
That I'll die before I drink
And I'm so caught up in the news
Of who likes me and who hates you
And I'm so tired that I might
Quit my job, start a new life
And they'd all be so disappointed
'Cause who am I, if not exploited?
And I'm so sick of 17
Where's my f_cking teenage dream?
If someone tells me one more time
"Enjoy your youth, " I'm gonna cry
And I don't stick up for myself
I'm anxious and nothing can help
And I wish I'd done this before
And I wish people liked me more
All I did was try my best
This the kind of thanks I get?
Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah)
They say these are the golden years
But I wish I could disappear
Ego crush is so severe
God, it's brutal out here
(Yeah!)
______
Wow ..... feels like the same as her thoughts?
______
I feel like no one wants me
And I hate the way I'm perceived
I only have two real friends
And lately, I'm a nervous wreck
'Cause I love people I don't like
And I hate every song I write
And I'm not cool and I'm not smart
And I can't even parallel park
All I did was try my best
This the kind of thanks I get?
Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah)
They say these are the golden years
But I wish I could disappear
Ego crush is so severe
God, it's brutal out here
(Yeah! Just having a really good time)
Got a broken ego, broken heart (it's brutal out here, it's brutal out here)
And God, I don't even know where to start
______
"huh..." she said.
Her playlist had just ended....
because of her dumb thoughts.
welp...
time check: 3:23
time to sleep.
______
(Words count: 1376 words 👁️👁️)
