No Shame in Healing from Us

What were we ever?

Closer than I've ever allowed a friend to be, yet we never fit the label
Never my boyfriend, yet we lived and laughed in my dreams at night
What were we ever?
Did we only work in my head?
Of course, that's why we were never together but what do I do with this?
Why do I love you when I hate how vulnerable it makes me?
How do I stop myself from laying my heart and soul bare to you when I want so badly to feel seen by you?
I love to read about love going right, overcoming the odds and surviving the worst of the world.
But what do I do when my love for you doesn't make what's wrong right and make you feel it back enough to express it?
Sometimes it's as easy as looking into your eyes and I just feel at peace but your eyes are blank and they don't illuminate for me the way yours make mine glow in poetic sunbeams.
Why do you make me happy?
Why do make me feel so grounded and normal and safe? I'm not safe with you and I know that but I don't know it in my heart.
I feel like you see so much of me but I barely know you and I'm chasing shadows, searching for the depths of you.
Why can I never say the right thing to you, I hate when we talk and I can't tell what you're thinking so I overthink every thing I say.
I'm tired of waiting by my phone, getting distracted by your distracted attention, I deserve more of me than you do.
So why do I give it to you so freely as if I have some to spare?
Why do you make me feel so safe if I'm not safe with you?
Why do I let you tell me and show me who you are over and over again without it ever getting through to me??
Stop giving me hope, stop being nice, stop being conveniently confusing.
Stop disappearing and coming back at the worst times.
Stop being what I want without giving me what I need.
Stop making me want to settle.
At some point, I'll be done blaming you for some of this but it's not right now.
First loves die hard and ours didn't exist for you so I should get over it.
I should be good right now but I'm not and I don't know what to do about that.
I thought I was but I'm not fully at peace with it.
We aren't the same and that's good but I miss it sometimes.