Life in Pictures

smoke break

TW- talk of addiction
[764 words]
-
"those things will kill you one day."
"i know, but it's worth the view."

-

it was the one thing he did that i hated. i supposed everyone has their flaws and alex's was his cigarette habit.

he didn't do it enough for it to be so bad that we needed to sit down and talk about it, but it was enough to stress me out a little bit. i worried about their effect on his health and his apparent lack of care for the toxicity of the drug.

he had never really told me why he smoked. whenever i asked, he always gave a different answer that seemed to fit each environment.

"it's just to calm my nerves. i don't want to go on stage with shaking hands."

"it's the only time i get a moment of peace."

"every cool rapper smokes... whatchu mean?"

one afternoon in november, we were on the roof of the recording studio in new york. i was sitting on one of the lounge chairs. those lounge chairs always seemed strange to me because they were the kind that are typically found next to a swimming pool, but there they were on a rooftop in the middle of brooklyn.

alex was over towards the edge- leaning on his elbows. he was about halfway through his cigarette when i interrupted cacophony of city noises that played down below.

"those things will kill you one day," i told him.

"i know, but it's worth the view," he said into the openness.

that was a new response, so i dug deeper. "you know, it's okay to just come up here without having to smoke too."

alex turned around so he was leaning on the half wall. from where i was sitting, i could tell he was tired. his hoodie and track pants gave away his lack of effort given to his outfit. his hood was up- hiding his dirty hair. his energy had been low the past couple of weeks. so had mine, to be fair.

he took another drag from his cigarette. i watched as his chest rose with his inhale, as he paused to savor the drug, and as his chest lowered as smoke curled out of his mouth.

he met my eyes and admitted, "if i'm being completely honest, i don't really know what i'd do without them."

with that, i rose from my spot on the lounge chair and joined him at the edge of the roof. we both looked out over the city.

"does that scare you, bub?" i asked him.

"a little bit, yeah. sometimes life is just a lot and these are the only quick escape i know."

"that's normal, you know?" he nodded as i told him. i continued, "there's other healthier ways to deal with that stress though. i want you around for a long time."

he closed his eyes and hung his head. "i know." he told me with a sigh. after some consideration, he continued, "i hate it when i feel like i'm not me. i honestly don't even know why i smoke these fucking things."

i would never be the person the force alex to make a big decision, especially if that decision was quitting smoking.

i stepped closer to him and rested me head on his chest. "i know. it's okay."

he rested his cheek on my head and pulled me in closer. his free hand was playing with my hair. his fingers twisting and curling sections of my hair.

i stayed there with him, taking it all in. i could smell the spice in his cologne on his hoodie and the stale cigarette smoke that still hung in the air. the cold november breeze nipped at my ears, so i snuggled my face impossibly closer into his warm chest.

we were so peaceful in that moment.

the two of us stayed that that until the last day of amber sun disappeared over the horizon.

alex kissed the top of my head and squeezed both my hands and started the two of us in the direction of inside.

before we got to the door, i stopped him by looping my arms around his neck. i looked into those familiar brown eyes of his, and told him that i loved him with my whole existence.

and i really meant it.

-

end

-

-

hehehe i love this man so much god damn.
-
if you are struggling with addiction, please know that you are, in no way, alone. reach out to your support system for help. you are so loved. 🤍