"It's positive."
A phrase that can bring joy: the results of a pregnancy test, the results of a babinski test; but also pain: the results of a STI test, or in our case, the result of a COVID-19 test.
My whole world fell apart the day my boyfriend got tested positive. We still don't know how he contracted the virus and how I tested negative. Kai was forced to self-isolate for weeks on end. Our movie nights began being held on Netflix Party, our conversations became phone calls, and eating dinner together became eating over FaceTime. The distance never took a toll on our relationship though, our love was strong no matter how many doors between us.
He tried hiding how much the virus was affecting him. The mental impact of self-isolating was a lot, but the physical effect was worse. Our calls showed me how much paler he got, he drastically lost weight, and he couldn't smell or taste. Kai tried to not show me how upset he truly was, but I would hear him sob late at night when he thought I was asleep. My lover was hurting, and I couldn't do anything about it.
As fearful as Kai contracting the pandemic was, the fear I felt the day I got a call from the hospital was worse. It was 1pm, I was at work and had just finished my lunch break. When I picked up the call, I discovered that the caller was a hospital worker, letting me know that while I was gone, Kai had felt unwell and called an ambulance. I rushed to the hospital hearing this news. As I arrived, I was told that I wasn't allowed to see him due to the pandemic and that he had to stay a bit longer at the hospital because "things weren't looking so good."
I was petrified. What did that mean? Would he be okay? But since there wasn't a lot of information about the pandemic yet, there were no definite answers. I was never allowed to see him, and with so many tests happening, he was either too busy with them to see me or too exhausted to call.
Many weeks had passed before Kai had enough energy to call me. He seemed healthy and happy, telling me how some of his symptoms had gone away and how the hospital staff mentioned that he could be released soon. When our call ended, I went straight to a jewelry store. The fear of almost losing him made me realise that I could never live without Kai. He'd spent 5 years as my boyfriend and I wanted him to spend the rest of eternity as my husband. Every memory we had together went through my mind as I chose a ring: our first meeting, our first date, the way he dropped a cup of coffee on me during our 10th date, and most importantly, how much I love him. I could never imagine loving someone as much as I loved him.
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"I'm sorry but Kai Williams has passed away." My heart dropped as the hospital staff let me know the next day. He had been doing so well, he was okay yesterday, he was almost discharged, what went wrong? What happened? The hospital staff told me that some people's bodies act healthy before they pass and that's likely what happened to Kai.
I cried myself to sleep that day. No more date nights, no more late-night talks, no more proposal, no more Kai. How could I ever move on? How would I live without the only person that made life worth living? How did one moment eradicate the possibility of any future moments? It felt as if in that one moment in time, not one but two lives were lost; in one moment in time, COVID-19 took everything from me.
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Now, two years after I lost the love of my life, the pandemic seems to be more controlled with fewer cases and deaths. The adoption request Kai and I had put in before he passed got approved and I adopted a toddler whom I couldn't love more. I named her Mia, the name Kai wanted our child to have. I always mention Kai to her, in hopes that the memory of her other dad lives with her forever. It was hard moving on from the loss of Kai but I knew I had to be strong for my new daughter. COVID-19 took everything from me, but then gave me a new "everything."
