satire but not really

your origin story

it was a dark day. a dark night. and a dark fate was unravelling before your eyes. a manic villain leapt from roof to roof, sending knives as sharp as my ego plummeting down between the buildings. this concrete jungle only has room for one bad guy, and we all know poot lovato stood no chance against the town's notorious alpha. all of a sudden, you hear a krhkrgkrkrkkrkrkrrrrkrrrrrgg come from nowhere. "Omg what was that?" you say in your cutesy little squeaky weaky voice, "was t-t-t-hat perry the p-p-platypus?". Your wittle feet are too petite for the cracks in the concrete, and without a moments notice, you plummet through the ground, into the sewers, and land on your feet because of your genetic superpowers, inherited from your great uncle after your mum, your grandma, your three aunts, your six cousins, three nephews, seven uncles, twelve grandparents and seventeen classmates died in a car crash. unfortunately for you, your itsy bitsy brandy Melville top didn't provide enough reinforcement to keep your short stature upright, and the 30cm fall from standing to lying broke your legs, your appendix, your spleen, both your arms, eight of your fingers, six of your toes and ruptured a kidney 🥺🥺.

 you hear a scurry, and a faint odor of pizza wafts through the air. suddenly, two great big hands reach down and scoop you up, pulling you into their warm body. you follow your saviors strong, hairy arms up into their face, and you realize you've been rescued by master splinter, the ninjitsu rat master!! all of your fantasies are coming true, and you wipe a itty bitty trickle of drool away from your lips as you see Michelangelo the ninja turtle walk towards you. as you look around the room, you see the walls lined with paintings, and hold on a second, Michelangelo's a human now??? you wipe your eyes, and all of a sudden, you're back in the 1500s, no longer in the sewers. "w-w-where am i mikey wikey poo?" you cry. you haven't time travelled since last year, when you invented the machine and won fifty two nobel peace prizes. "shhh sweaty, you're safe now". but alas, safe you were not, as darkwing duck busted in through the door as soon as mike uttered the words. "yoink!" he yelled as he plucked you from michelangelo's arms and hurriedly waddled away, clomping on the floor with his big dogs 🥵🥵. 

Days later...

you wake up from your stress-induced coma, and turn to face the mirror. two aqua blue orbs blink back at you. you sigh. "pretty as ever" you complain to yourself. darkwing duck slides over towards you. his cape slides to the floor. your eyes scan him up and down, then you say "damn bro nice minions onesie, where can i get one?". "shhh pumpkin, it's ok, we're going to the screening tonight." his eyes are dark and dreamy in the shadow cast by his looming, black hat. he leads you towards his custom hot pink barbie jeep, bedazzled in cheap rhinestones and fitted with a 2.3L ecoboost turbocharged DOHC 4-CYL 305 horsepower engine. you step your tinsy winsy feet inside, careful not to get your $795.50 balenciaga green platform croc heels dirty in the icky mud. as you drive to the theatre for an early screening of the hottest new movie, you pass the coast, and notice a strange black ship anchoring nearby. 

"ummm ducky wucky....?" you mumble. "yes my silly sausage?" he echoes back. "has that black shippy wippy always been there?" "I'm colourblind sorry doll". "Oh that must be terrible, living like it's the 1800s, only having black and white vision. i wish that silly edmund raymond turner made colour earlier." you hmmph. a helicopter light shines through your sunroof. a chiseled figure descends from a rope, could it be, lana del ray???? an army of hamsters plummet onto the road in front of you, setting your path alight. she grabs your arm and re-rapels back up into the chopper.

"hey miss girlyyyyy" you say, "nice entrance". she immediately bursts into song, and because you're not a glee kid, i mean furries, yuck, you just turn around and jump out of her vintage chevrolet heli. a delicate dive into the water sends your body into cardiac arrest, but then you're returned back to good health as you remember you're hot, skinny, rich and white. you thunk into a submarine and spot moby dick lounging around inside. you're not surprised though, this is like, totally just everyday life for a hottie like you. "not to be racist or anything but like aren't you a whale or something?" you question. he screams at you and sends you back up to the surface from a hidden spiracle under his shirt. his strong force sent you crashing into parliament house in australia, talk about cheap travel. you land next to grace tame, right before scomo goes in for a handshake. "not today scotty" she says and dodges the gesture. "DAMN GIRLY #SLAY #WAKEUPSLAYREPEAT YOU GO GIRL!!!" you tell her.

you were promptly kicked out and arrested for this thing called 'tresspassing', and you don't know what it means but it sounds pretty lame, so you just say no thank you and walk away. the cops chase after you but you tell them "stop it i don't like it". you jump into a taxi. "𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝒶𝒶𝓂?" the driver asks. As you stare out the window into the sunset, you reply "home." deja vu strikes as you get kicked out for the second time in five minutes. suddenly, miss livvy rodrigo pops out of nowhere. "you summoned me girl?". her gordacious flowing hair whips you in the face, but you don't care. you guys become besties almost instantly, undoubtedly because of your natural beauty. she invites you to go with her to new york city for the met gala or smth, but you didn't pay much attention to details. "i mean yeah, i guess so. whatever" you say.

you arrive in new york, wearing your inflatable pool dress, as seen on the high fashion runways recently. you strut your stuff up the red carpet, blowing kisses to the cameras. you see timothy tablemat out of the corner of your eye. you don't care about him though. the real target has already caught your eye. you sneak up behind harry styles and the rest of one direction, and, once your aim is perfect, you lasso them all together in your neon orange feather boa. "GOTCHA" you yell as you reel them in while they squirm like fish. you've successfully kidnapped one direction. 

"hi sisters" flashback mary utters once she pops up beside you and the boys. "'i'm working security tonight, my first shift actually, but im pretty witty ditty sure that you can't just go around stealing people like that missy moo." you sigh, then reply "no, i'm preeeetty sure they just passed a new law on it". "Oh, in that case, have a great night guys 😘😘". you get off scott free and make your way back to your secret lair, where megamind awaits you. "any success love?" he asks.

WIP