satire but not really

Stormi World

after your promising arrival back to the lair, roxanne ritchi rolls her eyes. i mean, who does she think she is, taking your partner in crime for herself? but, being the bigger person, you poke your tongue out at her and walk away. with the gaggle of teenage heart throbs trailing behind you, you make your way up to the big guns; MEGAMIND. "here ya're bubs", you say as you hand 1D over. megamind gives you a loving gaze back, but little does he know you're only using him to achieve world domination!!! you grab your phone out of your pocket and stare at your empty notifications. "oh my gosh sorry i've got to take this call" you excuse yourself as your long, beautiful legs make their way down the stairs. once you're halfway down the flight, you notice a pole that seems to lead a faster route to the ground. curious, you hop and and in a schhhhooooooomp you find yourself hearing oddly familiar bars to a song in the background. "uh oh". lil nas sees you and waves you over, but you feel as though you're interrupting.... uhhh, ummm, something? so you army climb your tiny body back up the pole.

the sunset is almost as beautiful as you tonight, and you stare longingly into the distance. a short walk leads you back to your daddy's 1578th mansion, this time located in french polynesia. you find your kanye west prayer candle hidden amongst your room full of stuff, and light it. you gaze into the smoke, and it shapes itself into a familiar figure. "Kris? is that you?" the iconic momager has paid you a visit, and she invites you to join her and her family on their trip. you say "YES!!! YESS!!" but then she starts singing. you got krissed. furious, you slap the flame and put it out, expelling kris jenner from your house. though, you aren't one to pass up a good time, and secretly sneak into the kardashian-jenner mansion before they set off for vacation. a couple days later you find yourself in bora bora. with your gift of foresight, you already know what's going to play out, so you hide under the boardwalk. like destiny, you hear kimmy k yell "GASP!! MY DIAMOND EARRING!! I'VE LOST MY DIAMOND EARRING AWFUHGKAUW 😭😭😭". like a sneaky ninja, you scurry out from under the planks and dive down into the water, plucking up the earring and bringing it to the surface. "I found it!!!" you exclaim. "YAYAYA!!!" the kardashian clan cheers. "omg is that a chicken?" you say as you point to a random blank cloud, taking off into the distance under your fake cover. "AHAHAHAHAH!!!" you scream as you run away with the earring in hand. "TAKE THAT KRIS!"

now, as well as being a hottie, you're also a wanted thief. your thug life has gone pretty smooth for it's whole expanse of 15 minutes. you jump on the next plane out of there. three hours later, you find yourself in italy. as soon as you touch down, the hotel concierges ask "un ferrero rocher, tesoro?" "omg y-y-yes please! i love love love furry roaches 😍" you say as you take one. your vacation, it's giving very much emily in paris. you twirl around the streets, sit blankly in coffee shops and dine on authentic italian cuisine. after about a month of living this glamorous life, you find yourself headed back to your main base in the USA. you're friends ask where you've been for the past three months, and why your hair's now brown, and you simply smile and say "ciao darlings, i've been immersing myself in the culture". how you still have any friends, anyone's guess, my take is they're being paid or whatever. knowing this new information, something suddenly clicks. hmmmm, foreshadowing and straight out telling you? i wonder what your secret identity actually is y/n.

while returning to your boring everyday life, you find yourself at your weekly drama group meetup. "soooo i was wondering what songs you guys want to hear me sing at sectionals?". "OH MY GOD SHUT UP RACHEL WHATEVER YOUR LAST NAME IS!!! 😡😡" literally everyone else in the room choruses. "OH MY GOSH guys 1. don't use the lord's name in vain and 2. don't yell so loud, i'm only wittle and you could easily break my wittle bones 👉👈🥺" you plead. Santana had had enough of you and decided maybe she would break your bones, so, like a girlboss, she picks you up and snaps you in half like a kit kat.

WIP