WARNING: Mentions of suicide, depression and anxiety. If you're not comfortable reading about such topics, don't read further.
My life was the same everyday, going through the same routine day by day by day. It had been so long since I had fun or taken up any hobbies. My life was a desert. It had been dried up for so long, that it had forgotten how important water is and how delicious it is. It had been parched without comparison and it was all my fault.
I led a very boring life. I was a stickler for the rules. I mean, they had been set up for a reason right? So it became a part of me. I made rules for myself and my day and, if I didn't follow them it meant punishment. I would starve myself, forgoing dinner or lunch. I would isolate myself, I had broken a rule so I didn't deserve to go out and have fun. I imposed these rules upon myself and they soon became a part of me I was never able to let go of. These rules went on to govern my entire being, because I had nothing else but these rules to rely upon.
I never kept any hobbies, my personality was such that I always got bored of something if it didn't interest me anymore. Due to this reason I lost a lot of friends who, if I could've given a bit more time and attention to would have brought some colour to my life.
It was in high school that I realised that the rules I had made were not helping me, they were actually ruining me. If I broke even the most silliest rule, like brushing my teeth at night, I would spend the whole night thinking about it. I would get up the next morning filled with anxiety and panic, and it caused my mind to go into a frenzy.
I was in the fight-or-flight mode always. It didn't matter if I was enjoying a day out with my friends, or whether I was studying for an exam - as these were the only two things that I knew how to do well. I was always worried, anxious about my next step, would I follow the rules or not? If I don't, what will be my punishment this time? Would it be starving myself or going without drinking any water for five days straight? What should I do to make sure I follow the rules? What should I do? These questions always plagued my mind and soon they turned into something I couldn't manage anymore. The questions which had started out having a feeble and timid voice, were now roaring in my head. They had become the puppeteer and I was their puppet, following their words and their rules as faithfully as I possibly could. Until one day, when I couldn't do it anymore.
There I sat, in my room. It was raining heavily that day, I remember. Or, at least it was in my head. It was roaring, and demanding me of things that I knew were not even realistically possible for me anymore. I couldn't keep up and they declared a punishment. It was death. I followed them, like the idiot I was. At that point in my life, I was long gone. I had become a puppet, a human without any emotions, a robot. It was when my breath went away that I realised that I was a human all along. I was alive and these rules were killing me. I threw the rope away from me, far far away as I started violently coughing and taking deep breaths in as I tried to save myself. It was the worst day of my life. I had swung too low, I tried doing something that I promised to myself that I would never do.
But it was then when I noticed. My mind was silent, the monster was gone. It made me wonder. Why did I follow those rules? Why did I do that to myself? Why did something malicious and evil that my mind created scare me so much? Why? Why? Why? I just stared at the wall, hoping that it would give me the answers to my questions.
Weeks later. I was all alone. I had forgotten my identity and my reason to live. I was in a dark place. That was when I saw them. They were like a bright light. They shined a white light. It was beautiful. They would just walk in to a room and the whole room changed. It was noisy and for once, I welcomed the noise. For the me who was aimlessly walking through my life, they were the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if they didn't know it, they were important to me.
It became a source of strength for me, the fact that I was able to see them shining. I was completely fine with just watching them from afar, as I was still that person who was a loner, who was all grey.
They saw me as a person who was colourful. A person who had a myriad of colours inside, but were just unable to see it for themselves yet. They saw more of me than me. It was unbelievable when they first said this to me. It made no sense. Why would a butterfly even spare a glance at a moth?
As I spent more and more time with them, I was finally able to see the colours in my life. I still didn't know the answers to my questions I had asked on that fateful day, but thanks to their help I was finally starting to turn that page over.
Years later. I still don't know why I did what I did. But I have found myself and my identity again. The monster comes by sometimes and tries to control me. Sometimes I let it, other times I fight it.
But one thing hasn't changed. They are still by my side, and now they know everything about me and my journey to get till this point in my life. I remember, I was so nervous while telling them my story. At the end of it, I just closed my eyes, scared of their reaction. But then I heard a sniffling noise. They were crying for me. They said that I had worked so hard and that I was a strong person. I cried hearing that because it was the first time someone had ever said that to me. That was the first time I cried after seven years.
I'm extremely thankful to them. I would like to say, thank you for coming into my life.
Author's Note: This is something that just popped into my head today, out of nowhere. So, I decided to write it down. It was really difficult to write this, because some of it, I can relate to. It's been a really long time since I posted anything, and I'm so happy that this is the one that I wrote today. Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a nice day!
