[TaeNy] #nowplaying

Scars

#nowplaying: Taeyeon - Heart

I can see her trying her best not to cry in front of me. She always does that, trying to look strong, trying to hold her own tears every time she faces me. Our hands intertwine loosely. Her right hand holds my left hand. I can feel her tremble hand in mine. Things that always happen at times like this.

"Why did you do that again?" She asks me in whisper. I can hear slight tremble in her voice. I am not sure whether it's because she tries to hold her tears, or because she is angry at me. But the latter might not be true. The tone in her whisper shows more concern rather than judgement.

"Why, Taeyeon?" She asks me again.

I look away, avoiding her stare. I lost count already how many times things like this happened. The reason has always been the same. I just want to feel better. And what I did has always helped me feel better.

I land my eyes to the window which covered with grey curtain. The grey curtain that covers the sunlight from outside. This cold room has always been my runaway space. To run away from everything in life. A dull familiar place which I call a house.

She turns our intertwining hands upside-down, enough to see what I tried cover. She looks at the fresh scars below my wrist with a frown on her face.

"Does it hurt?" She asks as she hesitantly touches the scars with the tip of her finger.

I shake my head.

"It's not deep..." I answer in hesitation. I know, that is not the answer she wishes to hear. I know she doesn't need to know how deep the scars are.

She doesn't say anything in reply. Her eyes are glued to my wrist. I can see a frown is drawn on her face. I don't like it. I don't like to see her frowning. But here I am, becoming the source of the frown on her face.

"Fany..." I whisper out her name. "I disappoint you again, don't I?" I can feel my heart sinks the moment I let out the words. I've always been a big disappointment to many people. To my family, to my friend, even to myself. I feel the cortisol and adrenaline rush inside my system, and my right hand starts to form a fist. This is something that I hardly control. I try to take a deep breath, but it's getting more suffocating. I try to take another deep breath, but it won't help.

A warm hug envelopes my entire body and I no longer suffocate.

"Ssshhh, it's okay, it's okay. I am not disappointed..." Her voice sounds sincere and certain. Her hand soothes my back, sending warmth to my heart. I close my eyes, taking another deep breath. I can smell her Coco Mademoiselle perfume. I hesitantly raise my hands to hug her back, but I stop myself. I let my hands hang in the air, reaching out to nothing.

I feel worthless. I am not worthy enough to have her here. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone who can protect her, not the other way around. I bite my lower lip in anger.

As if she knows what I am doing, she breaks her hug and cups my face with her hands. That stops me from biting my own lip.

"Hey," She smiles at me. A sincere smile she always shows me.

I stay silent. Even to answer her 'hey' is hard enough for me. I don't understand why she is still here. Day after day, year after year, she never leaves me.

"Tell me how are you feeling, would you?" Her voice sounds like a summer breeze. Just the right temperature of what your body needs. Warm enough to embrace you, but cool enough to soothe you. Her hands move from my cheeks to slid strands of my hair which previously cover my face, to the back of my ears. The hands soon move down to my neck, shoulders, and stop on my arms. She caresses my arms so gently, as if I am a porcelain doll that can break over a hard touch.