if i die tonight
will you still hate me
if i don't live tomorrow
will it all have been for nothing
how could i know
what i would have missed
who i wouldn't have met
the reasons i should have stayed
where i was supposed to go
was i ever supposed to go anywhere
was it all a lie
a mistake
was i worthless
if no one saw worth in me
or did i have no value
if i had no faith in others
why didn't i do this
why could i have not done that
what is wrong with me
universally
eternally
truthfully,
always
never ending
a question
a fact
fate.
death.
he's always there
but i haven't walked into his embrace
though countless times i've yearned for it
his promises of comfort and rest
of an ephemeral glimpse of peace
that he will not give to me.
or so the voice of life venerates herself.
i didn't decide to be held by her.
i never wanted her until death tried to pull me away from her.
i wanted him but i wanted her.
like the coward i am i went adverto vitum
it wasn't strong on my part.
it was out of fear.
that just proves i don't belong here.
i'm a fucking failure at even attempting to live and die.
this is the best punishment.
bearing that regret of not being able to do either.
i don't deserve a second chance at either.
carrying the deafening silence of disappointment is my fate.
so others may be satisfied and i can still be alive to be locked within myself.
i could be under the illusion of death
and still be here.
yes, that sounds very good.
that's what you wanted, right ?
for my mind to be torn apart and kill myself in the process of trying to figure it out ?
that's what you want, that's what i want.
now that we're on the same page, let us die.
