Dreams - Chapter One
~Ariana Sebel~
I was in my room, alone, just listening to music as I usually would on a Wednesday afternoon after I got home from school. My family was down the hall, going about their usual way. My father soon knocked on the door and asked me to turn off my music. Doing as he said, I sat and listened to what he had to say.
“Ariana, I know this will be extremely hard for you, but, Rean is dead.”
I sat there stunned, unable to comprehend his words. I was sure he was lying, but then again, I knew he was not. I wanted to cry, yet I was in too much shock. So I just asked,
“How did he die?” My voice was soft and crackling. I was holding back the tears, brimming in my eyes.
“In a motorbike accident. Ariana I’m so sorry. I know how hard this must be for you.”
Yes, he was correct. It was hard for me, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to scream and yell, cry or do nothing. My heart hurt, badly.
Ramsey was one of my closest guy friends. We went on the same bus and talked every night on the trip home from school. We would tell each other everything. I have loved Rean since primary school and I am now in year 10, so it has been a very long time. I never told him how I felt because I was scared it would ruin our friendship, but now I regret not doing so. He is gone and I don’t want to believe it
Days have passed and when I get on the bus each morning and afternoon, I expected to see him sitting up the back waiting for me to make my way down the aisle, and sit next to him. But he is never there. I keep telling myself it was all a dream, but day after day, I check to see if he is there, I picture him sitting and smiling at me when I get on the bus. I see his eyes sparkle in the sun light, I imagine him being here still, being with me. Each time I blink, the image of him disappears and I sit there, by myself, wondering what could have happened and why it happened.
I don’t smile anymore now that he is gone. I don’t cry either because I know he wouldn’t have wanted that. All I feel is pain, no pain on the outside, only the pain I feel on the inside. I don’t show how I feel, I keep a blank face. I hate it when people ask questions and I don’t know how to answer them, so I just sit and stare, not talking and not looking, just wondering and thinking.
Sometimes I wonder how things would be if he was still here, I wonder what we could have been and what we should have been. I also wonder if he would have felt the same if it had of been me who had been in the accident and died.
I know I can’t change the past, but sometimes I wish I could. I want to be able to rewind time and warn him or be with him or help him somehow, but I know that is not possible. It all seems so surreal, like im having a nightmare and need to escape and get back to reality. I even tried pinching myself once, but all I felt was emptiness. Nothing changed, no one laughed, no one cried.
I want to visit his family, I want to mourn with them and hug them and know that everything is going to be ok, but the problem is, I never knew his family. I want so much as to tell him how much I really love him, I can only pray.
I know that I cannot carry on with my life the way it is now, sooner or later I have to start living again, but for now I am content how I am. I will do things normally again soon, but he will always be in my heart. He will always be the missing piece in my life, and no one can replace the whole he has left.
©dimityanne 2011
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