..Hells right where I dont expect it..

My Void of Nothingness

I sit inside my room
My safespace...?
doesn't feel like it.

It feels like a void. A dark deep ocean that drowns me in the feelings of doubt, sadness, and uselessness. A dark ocean like void with no way out. Only false lights that guide me to even more mentally damaging situations. I want to call for help, but would they even care? Would it even matter? Would it even impact my life in a positive way? Its like anything i say isn't important. All they would hear are my bubbled and muffled cries and pleas under this deep dark ocean i call my "safe space".

My mental state isn't important. I can't open up, why? Because it'll just make me an attention seeker. I don't wanna seem like an attention seeker, I hate attention. So keep it in. I let the water drown me, engulf me. Push me deeper into this suffocating darkness. I let it happen.

Don't say anything, keep your mouth shut.
Thats what they want.

Every time i speak up, i'm ignored. Im not acknowledged. No matter how much i try to fit in, or make someone proud of me. It's like endless swimming, swimming up to something i can never reach. The surface.

Freedom is not an option..

Im never included into things. Im only a background character, I'm only there to be a therapist for others. Im only here so i can pull others out of their own oceans they may be drowning in. No-one cares on how i feel. They'd rather leave me suffering in my own ocean. Sinking slowly as my own dark suffocating void strangles me.

They don't want you here. You're only a pon to their chess game.

I always feel like im lied to. I am though, right? I mean you call me pretty knowing I'm nowhere close to being such a thing.

Why must they lie so much?

Stop lying to me. Stop saying that im not annoying when you know I am. Don't say im not fat when i obviously am. Don't lie. Lying to me doesn't make me feel any better. Don't fake liking me.

Appreciate others better. Spoiled Brat

Though i need to be appreciative, right? Take the compliment, because at-least they're being nice...but my insecurities can't help but always think that i'm being lied to.

Who cares if you are? Either way you know what you are. You know the truth about yourself.

My insecurities always may me think so lowly of myself. My brain makes me think so lowly of myself. It just keeps poking at me, it digs deeper and deeper until it hits the core. Then it just starts all over again.

It gets me thinking

I'll never be as pretty as the people i see on social media.

I'll never be as smart or cool as the other people at school.

I'll never have a good personality as this other person.

I'll never be good at drawing like they are.

I'll never be good at writing like they are.

I'll never be athletic enough.

I'll never be as responsible.