Dreaming of THIN

Dreaming of THIN - Part 1

I woke up today and started off the morning just like I do every time I wake up. I think about Ana. I can usually brush her off, but it's been a bit more difficult these past few months. But in the end   I always choose recovery.

"Fatass!! Look what you did! Do you know how many calories are in that coffee? Oh, and you had a fucking muffin! PIG!" Ana was screaming at me louder than ever. "You don't have a scale or diet pills or lax, you're too goddamn lazy to exercise, and you can't even starve right. Are you really anorexic?"

I was laying in bed, taking the last sip of my coffee when I heard her voice screaming. I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, standing next to me. I didn't respond. 

But I knew what I had to do.

"That's right. Trust me. I'm here for you. No one else loves you. I'm here to help you." 

I saw her toothpick legs, concave stomach, pale skin, and long blond hair, as she walked over to my desk and sat down. She picked up a crystal of my desk, and stared at me in the eye. Her piercing vision compelling me to go in the shower and purge. I find it weird how even after beginning my transition (female to demiboy), Ana still looks the same. You'd think she would be less feminine. I don't want a woman's body, and yet here she is.

When I got to the shower I realized it had been over an hour since I drank that coffee and had the muffin. There was no point in purging.

I scrolled through my tumblr, looking at all the young people on there. 

"Everyone is doing so much better than you. Look SHE did a 72 hour fast, YOU can barely make 60."

Everyone seemed so perfect, boasting about how in control they felt. How small they felt laying next to their boyfriend. How they lost weight that day. I looked at their body checks. I used to be that thin.

My mind flashes back to eight year old me. I starved myself for six months straight. I had went from a bmi of 19 to just 13. When I was ten I did it again. A bmi of 13 was my goal. But 13.5 was tolerable.

"You can do that again, sweetheart."

It was up and down like that for a long time. Self harming since I was ten. Hospital after hospital. Ana, never really going away.

I got out of the tub, I had an idea; buy more diet pills. Well I guess I didn't buy them. I stole them. But it didn't matter. It was worth being skinny. I told my mom we were out of Monster, you know, the energy drink. I mean, we were. She took me to Walmart, and I bought monster and stole some green tea fat burner pills. I've tried I couple different diet pill brands, and these tend to work best for me.

I took one, and saved the 99 left for later.

I decided, no more food today. Not until 12pm tomorrow. I limited myself to 500 calories a day, plus a diet pill, and an hour of exercise every day.

And I have to stick to it.