cigs and sex

ch. 1 - remorseful

mina:
i miss mum. the longer i will have to stay alone, the worse this feeling inside of me will get. mum has always been there, although we had had some bad discussions and arguments in the last couple of weeks, in moments where i felt bad, she had always been there.
had i been there for her too? i know that her depression had gotten worse and worse. i asked what to do to make her feel better, but she didn't know either. maybe i will always be as helpless as i am right now.
i open the eyes, realising that i am sitting on the terrace. my blue denim jeans are dirty, coffee stains all over them. i am wearing a striped flannel that i had stolen from mika. where even is mika? i hadn't heard a lot from him over the past 2 weeks of the summer vacay. to be exact, i didn't hear anything. i had been busy, studying and helping with the household. sometimes, i walked past his house but he didn't seem to be awake. the curtain's had always been closed.i know he hadn't been planning any vacation so why did he not want to see me? i miss him.
i sit up straight, stretch my back and roll my head to relax my neck. then, i move back to the wall, pushing my back against it. the terrace creaks under my motion, the wood isn't as stabile as it might've been one day.
i am bored. mom won't be back for the next couple of months, they took her to the drug withdrawal and i think that she will have to visit a therapist aswell. dad hasn't shown himself for the past year and mika?
i don't even know. i miss him tho. mika has started to be my best and only friend about a year ago. i had been indescribably lonely and he had been indescribably popular. we started being lonely together in the best way possible.
mika had just- always been there.
i reached for the cigarette box laying on my right. there had always been a fascination about cigarettes deep in my heart. why do people smoke? smoking kills i guess. maybe that's why i pull one of the cigs out of the box. they are marlboro red, the ones that my mom smokes. i lay it between my lips, grab the lighter out of the box and i enlighten it.
i had seen my mom do that way too often and that's probably why it worked so fast. i knew how to smoke, even though it was the first fag i had ever touched in my entire life. i took a deep breath and blew the smoke into the wind.

mika:
mina's messy, dirtyblonde hair was shining in the sun. surprisingly, she held a cigarette in her hand. i knew she didn't smoke, but i heard about what happened to her mom. slowly, i headed to the terrace. when she realised that she wasn't alone anymore, she winces. with wide eyes she looks at me.
"where have you been?"
to be exact, i have been at home and all the time, i had missed her more than she could imagine. i thought about her 24/7 and she even was living in my dreams.
my parents didn't want me to see her.
"she is a bad influence for you", they said. "you will forget about her and her stupid little problems when we are in manchester.
stupid f*ing manchester.
it wasn't even that far away, about 4h by car, but it was way to far for me.
but i didn't tell her my parents had kept me at home.
"here and there", i said.
that was such a lame and somehow mean thing to say. seeming like i did not miss her at all.
fuck, she was my whole world. i sat down next to her, looking at the fag in her hand. seeing her smoke somehow felt right, as if it had always been a part of her.
now i just sat there, looking at her and daydreaming. not that i didn't look at her in my daydreams, actually my daydreams were all about mina.
realization. i didn't come here for fun or to loose myself in watching her. suddenly, the world became greyish to me. the sun didn't seem as strong as she had been before and mina looked at me, expecting me to say something.

mina:
he smirks at me, but in a sad way. remorseful, if u want so. his eyes seem a little wet, not as if he really was about to cry, rather as if he thought of better times or reminisced. he brought his right hand to my cheek, then made it bring my hair behind my ear.
the next words i hear are never gonna leave my head.
"mina", he says, " me and my parents, we are going to move"