Kill Me Or Kiss Me? (JenKook)

25

Jennie

Jolting awake, I gasp, I can't breathe. My vision is blurred with tears and my entire body is shaking as I struggle for air. I swipe angrily at the treacherous tears as I slide out of the bed. All I can hear is Nicholai's voice in my head; You are a weapon and weapons don't weep.

"Where are you going, jugeum?" Every word he says is strained, and I know how much pain he must be in.

"I'll be back." I take the opportunity to leave and go to the kitchen, grabbing the medical kit in it. There are various painkillers in there and a couple more bottles of morphine. Grabbing a syringe and needle, I head back to the room.

The memory of the dream replays in my head like a bad horror film, and I'm shaken, not by the notion of having the dream, but of the fact that shooting him upset me so much. I can't remember ever feeling such a sense of loss, not even when I killed Alex. I loved Alex, but in a way I always knew it would end badly. We grew up in hell and he was never strong enough to bear the atrocities there. He was too good, too kind, loved too hard and sacrificed too much. Jungkook , on the other hand, always seems so indestructible to me, so utterly implacable, like a cliff face standing against a hurricane.Jungkook isn't Alex, Jungkook is more. And didn't I always know that I was a danger to him, just as he was a danger to me? The dream hit too close, felt too real.

Returning to the bedroom, I sit on the edge of the bed, turning the bedside lamp on. Jungkook groans and squints against the light as he turns his face towards me. He stares at me and I drop my eyes to the bottles in my hand, focusing on opening the syringe packet.

He grips my chin with his fingers and forces me to look at him. "Don't hide from me, jugeum."

"I'm not."

His eyes pinch and the corner of his lip kicks up in the hint of a smile. He releases me and his thumb swipes over the corner of my eye. "You're fucking beautiful when you cry." He says darkly.

I squeeze my eyes shut and his thumb trails over my cheek before swiping over my bottom lip.

"Tell me about your dream. You whispered my name. Did I hurt you?" He asks.

I open my eyes and focus on his lips, because I don't want to look in his eyes.

"Tell me what could possibly make death cry." He whispers, withdrawing his touch.

"I shot you." I admit.

His lips press together and it makes me lift my gaze to find his cocked brow.

"Yes, you did." He says dryly, those dark eyes watching me closely.

I shake my head. "I killed you."

"You've killed a lot of people."

"This." My voice gets stuck in my throat and he tilts his head to the side, watching me through narrowed eyes. "This was different. I felt like...like a monster." I rasp. I can't tell him that the reason I felt so horrible is because pulling the trigger damn near tore me apart. I don't want to care for him.

"Because you are." He smiles brilliantly, and it's so rare that I find myself staring at how beautiful he looks. "Embrace the monster inside you or become consumed by it. That is the difference between brilliance and insanity, jugeum." He winces and crooks his finger at me.

Wordlessly, I climb onto his lap, straddling his thighs. He smirks and I fist a handful of his hair, pulling him close. My lips press over his and all the noise in my head goes silent, because nothing outside of him exists for these few seconds. This connection I have to him, it makes me feel safe, he makes me feel safe, and that scares the shit out of me because people like us, we're never safe.