I've tried fighting fire with fire, I've looked for heaven just to feel like hell.
I've tried to love those that never deserved such a strong emotion from me, just to feel it too.
I've tried to hold onto moments that are far overdo, just to escape the reality I live.
I've tried to feel alive, but it feels like I breathe only to survive.
I've come to a conclusion that I will forever be misunderstood, and no one can relate nor save me from these darkening thoughts. That I was a lost cause since the beginning, and there's no death for the monster eating at me. Lights that were once a miracle, always become nothing by a mere glimpse in my life.
I've come to a conclusion that my mother's once gentle hands, will forever burn at my cracking skin. That she'll never love me the way I wish she would've, such a beautiful wish being lived on nothing but unrealistic movies. That she too, still has her own unknown monsters, and chooses to join them, stabbing at the hearts of her very own children.
I've come to a conclusion that my father will never admit to his wrongdoings. That he's forever right, even if the beating, the yelling, and hurt he's caused me was deceiving. That he's the first man to ever make me feel like my existence was stressful, as if I've always been the problem. That he'll forever be lurking over my unfinished canvas, painting every colorful part of my life with nothing but pitch black. And he'll never be the man I used to know, and feel secured around.
I've come to the conclusion that there was never a reason for me to be put on this earth, as if I was just a waste of space. That I can't handle this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia of pain, lies, and comments that haunt at me for years. That everyone I've ever loved, will soon hate me for what I'll commit. That I cannot escape the toxicity that's filled my weakening lungs, no longer being able to breathe. Soon my heart, it's rate will slow down, and rest. I'm not sure where my tired soul will be heading to, but I think I'm ready. And I'm sorry, but I've tried. And tried. And I've tried. I don't want to pretend anymore.
Before the world kills me, just know I love everyone that I've ever cherished.
