Disconnected ✓

comme j'en crève

One year ago

I remember the days I used to think Ramona was the prettiest girl I've seen in my life. And luckily for me, she was not a catfish. She was naturally pretty. She had these big sparkly black eyes when she spoke to me on calls. They were otherwise empty in all her posts with her edgy clothes and constantly dyed hair. She doesn't look that excited even when she performed her songs anymore with her bandmates at the small pubs.

She told me that being a musician or an artist was never going to work in India. And that her mother never supported her. So, she had to take what she got. She has a really pretty voice, almost angel-like, the next best thing to heaven. She used it like a siren to lure her victims in. Just the way she lured me when we first met on Omegle.

Ramona, I remembered, as a rather petite girl- she'd argue otherwise as she was still insecure of her baby fats. But she was pretty much pocket-sized even in those edgy clothes and corsets with huge boots like the ones bratz dolls wore. She looked like a bratz doll with her mixed features. Her skin was pale, similar to mine but her hair jet black like her mother's with faded freckles all over her cheeks and collarbones.

And she had that wide smile that stretched her face from ear to ear. She smiled with her entire face and body. I didn't know how but it made sense. I could tell how she beamed with her body when she got onto calls with me.

But that Ramona was gone. Annabelle replaced Bratz dolls. That smile faded lately. She became scarier with each day, her tiktok account was trending in the #horrortok. Of course, that didn't scare me. What did scare me was that she dropped out of college and only told me last night about that.

I didn't know what she's doing with her life but I didn't want to let her ruin it further herself. Why was she behaving like that? What would she get from it? I couldn't understand anything.

I waited for her to join the Skype call. When her screen appeared, I noticed that she looked different tonight, her usual waist length hair now falling onto her shoulders like a long bob. She also dyed it again, this time it's ink blue. She's smiling at me but I could see how tired she was. I waited for her to argue about the text I sent, that I was thinking we should take a break. When she didn't react, I decided to voice out the question instead, to see if she'd have a reaction. She probably just didn't see the text.

"Did you consider the break?" I tried to weigh my words, hoping not to come off like an asshole that I am. But I got to put myself first, for once, even if that made me an asshole for leaving her when she's going through rough times.

Her smile didn't falter. "Breakup, you mean?"

"No, just a break," I insisted buttering the knife because that too, sometimes helps.

She laughed. And it was not her usual one. There was no humour in it. "I know what taking a break means for guys. Okay, if you insist. But on one condition, you won't get to check up ever on me. Ever. And I prolly would keep texting you, because I have no one else to so I suggest you mute me. I don't want your replies. See you never then-"

I was scared on how smooth it was all going in the first place. Ramona wasn't like that. She doesn't know how to let things go. She would be hurting so much. I probably added more to it. I didn't know how to stop her, my mouth wouldn't fucking open for once. And before I knew, the Skype call ended.

I raked a hand through my blond locks. I was so mad at myself. I could've ended it without hurting her and that's impossible but still. I could've let her down slowly.

My phone pinged, pulling me out of my trance. I took my phone into my hands and saw that it was just an email from the university to come collect my certificates on the graduation day. And I didn't know why I did it but I smashed my phone against the wall. Maybe I was expecting something from Ramona. I would take her back the moment she texts me even if it was a torture. Poor girl, she didn't need shit from me when I was the only one she felt safe with. What was I thinking?!

Ramona's face haunted me, that tired smile, easygoing words, acceptance of things. That's not how she worked. Ramona was difficult to handle. She has to have things her way. Or she won't have it. She's stubborn. Way too stubborn. But then why did she let me go that easily when she loved me that much?

Later that night, Lydia found me in the bar down the street. Her eyebrows were raised. "Shouldn't you be celebrating? You're officially free now, Lucas. Use this break to take your time off from social media too. Or maybe just use your side account for now, if you feel so bored-"

"Is that the point, really?" I was taking out my anger on Lydia when she didn't even do anything wrong. I winced, regretting it. "I'm sorry, I'm just..."

"It's okay, we're here for you." She took me into her arms, pulling me into a hug. Lydia was taller than most girls I know. I'm six feet two and she comes to my nose. And whenever we hug, it's like two rods put next to each other.

For a moment, my thoughts wandered to Ramona. She was really small. And I wondered how hugging her would feel like. But I guess I never have to wonder about that ever again now that we're strangers again. I know though, that she would've felt slightly safer in my arms. Probably never again. But maybe, if we ever meet in again, in real life hopefully, I wonder if she would take me in her arms or beat me down to pulp. Probably the later, knowing her.

I smiled at that scenario only to realise that she would never be the same again with me after tonight. Her tired blackholes staring back at me with emptiness in them. Her smile that didn't reach her eyes. My smile faded as I pulled apart from Lydia. I forced myself to forget that night. It was funny, me drinking when I was the one who initiated the breakup. But I guess grieving goes both ways. Or maybe I wasn't used to a schedule where Ramona wasn't waiting for me behind a screen. Whatever it was, I knew that night changed something. Probably everything.