Trans-parency

Chapter 1

I flinched again. Really, I need to stop doing that.

A cacophony of lockers shut with an unsatisfying clang, shocking my ears. I try to focus on this more than the tens of hundreds of kids bustling past me, making enough noise to cause hearing loss. These noise-canceling headphones don't cancel shit.

I tap my foot once, twice, twelve times and they still aren't here. I put all my effort into controlling my facial expressions, hiding my discomfort. You'd think I would have myself well acclimated to hiding such ghastly countenance, I am in junior year. Everyone said it got easier, they lied.

Eventually, to not give into my sensory overload I slouch against the frigid steel of the lockers and I shut my eyes tight, touching my fingers in repetitive motions.

The tightness of my binder. The scratchiness of my sweater. The way my baggy pants wear on my hips and brush my legs.

I take deep breaths and focus on my music, the soft lo-fi dancing in my ears when a hand gently rests itself on my shoulder. I flinched again (need to fucking cut that shit out) but open my eyes, relieved, to the brightest smile in the world. Seriously, her smile is hurting my eyes.

"Hiya N/N, how ya doin?" They cheerfully greet.

"Um, doing fine I guess."

"You'll be doing better once we make it to a quiet classroom hm? Come on, let's get a move on."

"Who was late to lockers again?"

"...That's irrelevant."

We take our time walking to class, along the way she rambles on in a feeble attempt to bring up my mood, not very helpful but appreciated nonetheless. I smile slightly and give funny quips to reciprocate the kindness. We arrive at class seconds late, much to our teacher's disdain.

"Ms. Cameron, Ms. -"

Instantaneously, my body reacts. My heart starts to physically ache. I feel my eyes water but blink rapidly to keep from showing any outward upset. I try to correct him, but my voice solidifies in my throat, like cement.

"Mr. Y/N sir, we've been over this."

"Ah, apologies. Mr. Y/N, both of you seriously need to work on timeliness. One more day being late, and a detention is in order."

My heart is still pounding. My ears drowned out his incessant lecturing, focused only on how he was milliseconds away from deadnaming me, having already misgendered me. I still can't cope with it, how pathetic. It was my choice to come out in the middle of the year on an impulse, I confused the teachers, this is my fault. This is all my fault, every-

Someone's tugging at my sleeve. They say, "N/N, come on." Who it is, I don't retract myself out of my head enough to decipher, I simply silently follow.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur. I recovered rather quickly from the latter incident, however, this same scenario occurs what seems to be endless times throughout the morning. Not to mention, I ran into him today, the true cherry on top.

I aimlessly strolled down the hallway, appreciating the emptiness, courtesy of it being mid-period. In all honesty, I was quite happy, he texted me today asking to meet in the lower D-wing bathroom. We haven't 'hung out' in a long while, he's been busy with...his girlfriend...but that isn't my business. I turn the corner and am promptly yanked into the bathroom and met with warm lips.

"Ju-Julian wait please-"

"It's been so long, do you really want to waste time talking?"

"Please stop, stop I'm serious!" I shove him off of me and look at him wide-eyed. He's never been so forceful.

"What is wrong with you?"

"No, what's wrong with you? We haven't seen each other in ages, much less texted and all you wanna do is make out?"

He gives me an irritated look, then says the last words I want to hear, "My girlfriend is waiting for me in the cafeteria. Anyways, I want to go further with you babe, I think we're ready."

"Further? Like..."

"Like sex. I'm free tonight, my girlfriend will be out of town, we can make a whole night out of it-"

"Julian, you know I don't-"

"Yeah you've said it before, but you haven't done it with me. Trust me, you'll change your mind."

Immediately my mood changes. My heart drops, he's just like the others. Tears well up in my eyes, another relationship down the drain, flushed by my own shortcomings. Despite this, I remain firm. Never will I ever let that happen again, never.

"I guarantee you won't change my mind Juju, I don't have sex with anyone. I'm serious."

"You're fucking stupid you know that? Missing out on the best part of life. If you don't wanna go any further than this, what is this relationship even for?"

There it is. Desperately, I choke out, "Are you kidding? We've been fine up until now, haven't we?"

"Yeah, we've been progressing in our relationship. This is the next step. Take it or leave what we have. I have a girlfriend, I'll be fine, but will you?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"You're losing a lot, all because what, you think you don't want to have sex? Fucking idiotic reason to end a relationship if you ask me."

I'm shaking at this point. Not with sadness, but pure anger and frustration.

I caution him, "Leave, now."

"Or what are you gonna do? Getting all scared cause I'm giving you an ultimatum? Scared to lose a good-"

"LEAVE. NOW."

In a successful attempt to hurt my feelings one last time, he uttered the unthinkable, "Okay crazy bitch. You'll always be -- to me anyway."

That was my last straw. I rushed out of the bathroom in a flurry of tears, and kept running, not bothering to look where I was going. I hit a hard figure and embarrassed ran even harder far, far away. Another detention is much more appealing than spending a second more in this hellhole.

And now I am sipping a slushie in front of 7-11, its taste accentuated by salty tears, courtesy of yours truly. One day without being misgendered, deadnamed, or disrespected. Too much to ask?