How To Manage Your Misdemeanors,a guide by Athea

5

"I'm trying so hard to look away from you/ We followed white lines to the sunset/ I crash my car everyday the same way"- Understanding In A Car Crash, by Thursday

It was a nice hour long meeting I spent with the porcelain gods, lots of effort on my part and begging for their mercy. The odds & gods were not in my favor or on my side today, it felt like I was turned inside out and forced to upheave any liquid or loose organs I had left in this shitty flesh apartment of a body. I can't complain too much, I had worst mornings than this specifically the morning after my wisdom teeth extraction and I accidently swallowed my gauze. I gripped both sides of the porcelain toilet bowl as I steadied myself in a piss poor attempt to stand. I made it halfway down the hall before I heard an ear-piercing loud noise.

"COUNTY ROAAAAADSSS, TAKE ME HOME, TO THE PLACE-." Finally making to the kitchen, I find both sources of that wretched sound, Window's looking smug from behind his coffee mug and his cell phone the source of the sound.

"Fuck WINDOWS? REALLY?" I yell over the music shooting him a dirty look.

"DO YOU NOT LIKE THE MUSIC? HERE, LET ME CHANGE IT" He yelled over the music, his volume was not necessary or needed. He then changed it "Welcome Home" by King Diamond. "GRANDMA WHAT WAS IT LIKEEEEEEEE" He screeched at the top of his lungs. He was clearly baiting me with what I had no idea. He reached out with one gangly arm and turned the music down, never lower his coffee mug.

"Just thought I could make you guys a new playlist for when things you know get serious." He muttered smugly, what the hell was he on about? I shuffled over to the creaky wooden cabinets, extracting a coffee mug that would be employed many times before we had to leave for the day. It wasn't just the coffee that was hot, I looked over only to see Window's still smiling completely self-satisfied with his torment of me. "What dude, just out with it already I know I look like shit." He clearly was on his bullshit. "Oh, come on, did you think I wouldn't notice"? His question baffled me, I looked at him waiting for him to break and give me a hint. "What? Dude I went to the bar last night, right?" His silence turned my statement into more of a question needed confirmation. "Oh, ho ho ho you really don't remember, oh this is too good." If I didn't know any better, I would find him villainous with his amount of cackling between words. I ignored his silent commentary as I drank deeply from this coffee cup that held the cure I desperately needed. He finally came to, and realized that I had no idea, I could see this moment going into his memory vault for later, for exceptional roasting purposes. "Dude, you really don't remember?" he said his voice breaking with laughter. I stared at him long enough to feel some of my brain cells wake up and retrieve bits of last night. I remember the smell of vanilla and sandalwood, the taste of whisky and.... the trunk floor of a car? "THERE IT IS!!! YES!! There is fucking is, okay shoot. go what's her name, when are you seeing her again?" Windows fired off one question faster than the next. Name. Name. I looked down at my hands in hopes that one of us wrote down her name and phone number. I looked down, nothing. "You got her name, right? Don't tell me you're turning into that guy Apollo come the fuck on dude." One of the few times Window's was disappointed in me but he was right. "How much time do I have before we need to get gone?" I asked desperately trying to change the topic and erase her from my memory. "Nope, no come on, you need to give me more than that or else I'm telling mom about your weed." He was writing a check that he could absolutely cash. I looked outside, it was piss pouring "alright chill, let me think." I needed a moment to yell at my brain to give me something. "I remember being at the bar YOU guys left me at, I bought some chick at the bar a beer. "I was remembering more than I bargained for; I remember the shape of her mouth and the way her headphone cord looked like a beautiful white vine ascending over the valley of her chest and lingering by her jaw. "I must've been really fucked up man, I don't even remember most of the night. Was I in the trunk of a car?" I asked him desperately needing clarification. "I don't know man, when I walked in the kitchen, I saw the back of her head as she was leaving, I assumed you guys smashed." He read the confusion on my face and offered me comfort with his answer. "Fuck, dude I hope not" I said closing my eyes hard in embarrassment. This caused him a wild amount of material to work with apparently. "Dude... dude what if... what if you two like did and she just like up and left you!!" He could barely get the words out each wave of laughter lasting longer than then the one before. "You're like that fucking. what is it that gas station we use to make fun of growing up.. what was it called... what was it? OH, the Kum &Go!!" The entire situation had moved Windows to the point of tears rolling down his face, no doubt a side effect of his immense pleasure in my humiliation. "Oh, this. this is so good. This is better than ratting you out to mom about the weed." He said clapping his hands in approval. I got up from the rickety wooden kitchen table and made my way back to the bathroom. I needed to wash the smell out of my hair, and the night from my mind.