My Last Breath

Johnny feels the cold hard pavement beneath him, but the rocks digging into his back are no match for the pain that seems to be radiating throughout his entire being. His entire body has suddenly and inexplicably turned into a livewire, sending nonstop arcs of pain throughout him and overloading his mind's circuits, so much that he struggles to summon enough presence of mind to properly answer Roy when he asks what hurts. He wants to say everything, but the bit of coherence he does manage to summon tells him that isn't what Roy is looking for. He needs specifics and it's hard to decipher the pain signals going awry and screaming at him all at once, but he somehow manages to narrow it down and Roy is at least satisfied with the answer.

Roy assures him there's an ambulance on its way, but the drug box was destroyed when he was hit. Which means no IV and no relief from the agonizing pain tearing through his body. Johnny wants to curse, cry, complain, anything to distract himself from the pain but the words die on his tongue.

He doesn't know how long he's been lying there when he suddenly realizes he's freezing, despite the turnout coat he's still wearing and despite the pleasantly warm night, and he knows that's probably not good but he can't quite place why. Johnny tries to pull the thoughts from his pain-addled mind, really he does, but they're ever elusive so he figures he'll just sleep instead. He'll just sleep until he doesn't feel like he's being consumed from the inside out by the white hot fire consuming every inch of him. Sleep until things are back to normal again.

Because, this? There was nothing normal about this. It was just a call for a 'spaced out dame' in a bar, how did he end up lying here like this? How had things gone so wrong?

As he starts to drift, Roy gently shakes him awake, being careful not to jostle him too much. Johnny blinks slowly up at him, slightly angry at Roy for waking him, but the anger dissipates the moment he sees Roy's face. His normally unflappable friend looks almost... terrified, before the professional mask slides back into place.

"Hey, stay awake for me, Johnny," Roy says. "The ambulance got a little delayed but it should be here any minute and we'll get you to a nice warm bed at Rampart, alright?"

Johnny licks his dry mouth and attempts words. " 'M tired," He finally manages.

"I know, but stay with me a little longer, alright? You're not being paid to sleep on the job, Junior."

It's a light-hearted attempt at a joke, but Johnny knows Roy well enough to know he's afraid. Quietly he wonders why he himself isn't, after all it is him lying on the cold pavement, miserable and in pain and...

Oh.

"Roy?" He summons his voice again.

"Yeah? What's wrong, is the pain worse?"

He attempts to shake his head, but a cervical collar prevents the movement and Johnny wonders when that got there. He tries to organize his thoughts between his mental fogginess and the frantic pounding of his heart, of which seems to be trying to beat free of his very chest. He doesn't need to see the EKG to know it can't be particularly good and he knows there's a medical term for what's happening to him. It's on the tip of his tongue, but try as he might, he can't seem to pull it out of his head.

Even so, he knows this isn't good and he knows he needs to make Roy understand that, too.

"I... N - no... doesn't hurt... anymore," He swallows hard and forces himself to continue. "I - I... think I'm..."

"No," He cuts him off then, meeting his desperate gaze. "Don't talk like that, you're going to be fine."

"You know... you've... always been... a... bad liar." Johnny smiles tiredly. It's all he can do to stay awake at this point, knowing that he needs to make Roy understand the gravity of this situation. Because he knows, without a doubt, he's not getting out of this one. "Guess... nine lives... ran out. Maybe the pen... isn't lucky... anymore."

Suddenly Roy is shaking him awake and that's strange because Johnny hadn't even realized he was drifting off again.

"Hey, what was that about a pen?" Roy asks and Johnny attempts to put two and two together because he has no idea what Roy is talking about.

"Wha...?"

"You know, the pen," Roy quickly replies. "You were just saying something about the pen not being lucky anymore. I don't understand, what pen?"

Johnny takes a moment to process what Roy is saying. And another moment to get his thoughts aligned. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion and it's hard to summon the strength needed to speak, but somehow he finally manages.

"When I... met you... Gave me that... green pen." He coughs then, a weak but harsh cough that leaves him suddenly more breathless. "Was lucky..."

Unable to continue, Johnny slowly moves to wipe at his mouth and is slightly startled to see a spattering of fresh blood when he draws his hand away. He knows that isn't good but like with everything else, he can't pull out the why.

Roy hesitates a second but doesn't say anything then, just thrusts an oxygen mask onto his face and turns toward the biophone. Johnny's eyes fall shut once more as he focuses on just breathing, just existing, both of which have gotten surprisingly hard. He tries his best to follow the conversation, hearing words he recognizes like ribs, punctured, lung, even internal bleeding. But the words no longer hold any meaning and they seem to float by and disappear before he can properly grasp them. That's all the same to him because, truthfully, he'd rather sleep anyway, but some part of his mind is still producing semi-coherent thought and it's screaming at him not to do that.

Instead he tries his hardest to keep his eyes open and to focus on Roy who is on the biophone to Rampart and looking like he's one slight breeze away from crumbling in on himself. And in that moment Johnny realizes that Roy knows and he wishes he could get his broken body to move and go to him, to comfort him for what they both know is coming. But he can't, his strength is all but gone and he's exhausted, a bone-weariness like no other he's felt before, and he desperately wants to embrace the comfort he knows unconsciousness will bring. But he knows he needs to hold on just a little longer.

So instead, he meets Roy's eyes and looks into them, taking him in one last time. He wonders if Roy knows how he feels about him, or just how he changed his life for the better in these last four years spent being partnered with him.

He hopes he knows. Because now, as unconsciousness is creeping in, he can't seem to form the words. But he feels Roy holding him, the warmth of his body is soothing, and he's content enough to finally relax. And even though he can distantly hear Roy calling to him, Johnny lets go of his tenuous hold on consciousness and allows himself to freefall into the dark unknown.

Loosely inspired by Evanescence's song of the same title. Special thanks to claudiam1962 for the idea to set this during 'The Nuisance' episode, to TravelAgentForGuiltTrips, Crystalinn, and Twincityhacker for looking over the fic, and to the E! Discord in general for all the help and encouragement! I couldn't have done it without you guys. Thank you so much!