HELLFIRE ༄ Tony Stark

THIRTEEN

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
TONY'S 50 YEAR PLAN ON HOW TO HUMAN

Tony had a plan.

A good, solid, 100 step plan that had a 100% chance of success in a 50 year time period.

Okay, so it wasn't a very good plan but I'd like to see your plan on how to make the devil less devily and more humany. I'll wait.

Step one: morals.

As the devil, it's fair to say Lucifer's view on wrong and right we're a bit ...screwed. She was all in for punishing the guilty and all that stuff but well, her punishments were a bit (read: very) extreme.

For example, Clint had punched Peter a little too hard while practicing (Clint's hand broke and Peter just stood there not feeling anything) so to punish this abuser, Lucifer had made him stand in a corner on one leg and if he moved, Peter -with a knife- had permission to stab him. Thankfully Clint didn't move much before Tony arrived to rescue him. Unfortunately or fortunately -depending on who you ask- Clint had to get stitches for one stab wound.

So you see, Lucifer needed to be shown what the silent treatment and fair punishment was. Or maybe she knows and just hates Clint.

So to fix this, Tony decided to get help from Mr. Morales (not Miles, just Steve Rogers. I know, very disappointing) to help teach Lucifer all these stuff.

It failed.

Lucifer has banned 4 of the avengers (Clint, cause he annoyed her. Steve, cause he annoyed her. Tony, cause he annoyed her. And lastly, Thor, cause he broke her favorite mug.) from talking to her and they've been getting the silent treatment.

So she did learn but it backfired.

Tony counted it as a success and moved to the next step.

Step two: food.

I think by now it's evident that Lucifer's idea of food is very different than what we consider food.

If you consider goat's heart and virgin blood substantial then you need help. Serious help. Like call the nearest mental state kinda help. Maybe get an exorcism help.

So Tony, certainly having more than 20$ in his account decided to go on an eating spree with his fellow avengers and get ten from every food place.

Lucifer liked pizza, they already knew this, she turned up her nose at the hamburger, left no sushi for the others, ate the Indian food like it wasn't hot at all -well, hell is hot?- and then summoned a goat and feasted on his beating bloody heart.

It's safe to say the others had no appetite after that.

He doesn't know if he should count that as a win or a lose.

It's close to a win but like-

Step three: socialization.

Honestly, the devil was way to social for well, the devil. But also, she could be described as a hissy cat.

One moment she could be found holding court with the other avengers-

(One it was a literal court. She, Peter, Loki, and surprisingly Steve were debating whether to push the criminal off the tower or to boil him alive, while Thor held a struggling Clint in the middle of the room. Clint kept saying it wasn't him who ate the last cookie, but they had all the evidence they needed.

Lucifer gave Peter a napkin for the crumbs around his mouth. Clint was sentenced to being boiled alive.)

- and the next, she would hide in the darkest corner of the room and hiss and claw at anyone who came close to her.

Of course, the only obvious choice for her mentor in this step was the charismatic and beloved Tony Stark himself. An honor that was bestowed on a selected group of people.

So Tony took Lucifer to the nearest Starbucks and asked her to find one (1) friend.

They were banned. For life.

Tony had to buy Starbucks just to unban himself but he kept the ban on Lucifer.

This one was a total fail. He wasn't even going to talk about what happened in Starbucks. He offered the survivors free therapy for their PTSD.

And that's why he moved on to his next plan-

"Stark."

Tony looked up startled and closed his document, opened a SHIELD file and then looked at Lucifer calmly, like he wasn't documenting the entire thing.

"Yes?" He stroked his goatee, "Can't you see I'm busy?"

Lucifer glanced at his open file, "Busy reading how a man died from listening to baby shark too many time?"

Blinking, he took a closer look at the report and yes, apparently Fury thinks this is a new method made by HYDRA to torture and gather information. Not far off, wouldn't put it past them.

"Yes, seems very concerning and requires all my attention."

He heard a snort but didn't take his eyes away from the report, "Came to say dinners ready."

Obviously he was hungry so he perked up, "What's for dinner?"

"Goat testicles with cheese on the side," she said and tuned her back to him, "Come before the others eat it all."

Ok so food step was definitely a fail.

Bonjour ma dudes!
I'm back! With a short chapter but double update so like a full chapter? Ish?
Anyways I've missed you I scraped this from the bottom of my trash there's still a bit of garbage on it
Please send ideas I'm in great need thanks