Senseless [JK x Reader] ✔️

Chapter 14

Saturday morning was more challenging than I thought it would be. Not only from the lack of sleep which, of course, affects my whole day but also from the constant battle with myself of trying to keep Mr. Jeon out of my mind.

Under other circumstances, I wouldn't put much thought into him and move on with my life as every reasonable person would do, but it's not that easy in my case. Except for the fact that he is my boss, I also had a very steamy and wet dream about him which was rather explicit.

Too explicit if you ask me. I don't even remember the last time this happened to me. More as, if it has ever happened to me before. It's not like I was the hot girl in school to be admired by every boy wherever I was attending it. 

More like the quiet and shy girl who was crazy about music and arts. 

If I could draw a painting with every category of students in schools, I would be the one in the background that people barely notice and their existence is just to feel the emptiness. So no, nothing similar has ever happened to me before. 

The worst though is that it had to happen with him. I said it once and I'll say it again, out of so many people in my life why is he constantly the one occupying my mind? I barely even know him and yet his existence in my mind proves otherwise.

After I killed enough brain cells in my head and since it's very early in the morning I decide to let it go for now and keep the secret to my grave. Even from Nmajoon who is my best friend. 

I lazily get up from my bed and go to the bathroom to start my mourning routine. I put some music on and after I'm done with both my outfit, simple makeup, and morning routine, I give a call to inform Yoounig and Joonie to be ready and wait downstairs to go for our planned day.

After all, maybe that's exactly what I need to get Mr. Jeon out of my mind.

*

"And no matter what I do I can't get her out of my fucking mind!" I shout and hit my hand hard on the surface of my desk. "Take a breath, mate. So you're telling me that while you were with another woman, you kept thinking of Lily? Jin looks at me with confusion and is completely startled by what I just said. "It's not that big of a deal Jin, if you had that chick who can't even hold herself for more than three minutes, you'd be the same," I reply sarcastically.

"Of course, it's a big deal man! You just told me you were sleeping with another woman while thinking of Lily! Well, never stopped thinking about her since yesterday." He rolled his eyes at me and second by second I keep becoming even more irritated. 

Not only by him, because I know he is right but won't admit it, but also because no matter what I do, the images of the blind, flustered woman still haven't left my mind.

"Just leave it Jin, you've no idea!" I sign and pass my fingers through my hair. "No, I'm not leaving it, Kook! Because I think that this was my mistake after all. I kept 'leaving it' and look what that has gotten us, you. Every passing day you keep becoming even more unrecognizable and distant than before. So don't you dare tell me to leave it because If I hear you say that one more time I swear I'm gonna punch you." Jin shouts at me about something that isn't happening frequently but when it does I know I won't have much of a choice.

"You don't understand Jin, I-It's not my choice and you know it. But this is who I am and you can't do anything to change it so don't tell me what I can or can't say. The fact that I've been thinking about Lily is purely coincidental and just a way for my brain to cope with the sexual frustration I've been feeling because I wasn't satisfied properly last night!" I get up from my chair and find my way to the window of my office.

"You won't always be able to get away from your problems, man, so I would advise you, instead of turning your back on me, let me help you-" "You can't help me Jin! This is reality and you need to face it. It can't always be sweet and full of colors. Just face it that there are other colors in this goddamn rainbow. The side which is full of darkness exists too! So you, instead of trying to play the hero and advise me with a stupid solution, try and get in my place." I turn around to look him in the eyes.

"I'm not trying to play any hero! You know how much I've been by your side all these years helping you, defending you, and saving your damn ass because you were too irritated or mad to do it yourself! So don't tell me to face reality because out of the two of us you are the only one making everything worse and not realizing that the world isn't all about black and grey! So until you stop being so selfish and start opening up to people that care about you and share your worries with them, I won't stand by your way of being a 'hero'..." That was the last thing Jin said before getting out of my office and letting the door shut hard. 

Only then do I get on the floor, hitting the back of my head in the wall and closing my eyes before I let the living nightmare take over me. 

I don't know what went wrong with me. I keep wondering if this is how I became or if I've always been like that but no one dared to tell me. I grew up with a question mark in my mind. 'Why am I like that?' Maybe that's why I've been fighting for my life, to realize what's wrong with me, to become better.

But looking behind, I'm standing here dazed. I have everything I could ask for and yet here I am alone in my office with anyone but me. The powеrful shadows swallow me.

 I'm nothing and I let them do whatever they want. I don't mind nor have the courage to fight. Besides that what I've been doing since I was a kid. Nothing changed, so why would it change now...?

The question mark is still black and creeping inside of me. 'Is it anxiety or depression?' 'Is it selfness or resentment?' Am I just an animal whose only purpose is to run, and devour his prey? Or is it me born out of loneliness? Out of pity? Or even a mistake... I just hope I don't get eaten away, I'll find the exit before it's too late and everything disappears once and for all in this enormous black hole that has captured my mind. I need a light to show me a way out,  alight to break free. I need her.