This review was done by CroodsGirl
The first issue that I believe needs to be addressed is the prologue. It's a blurb; it's not a prologue. I've encountered this issue before, so do not feel alarmed. How I think you can fix this is by showing us Sarah's first visit to the mansion: what happened, how she met Enzo, etc. You don't need to tell us what happened between them, since that's a good reveal for later in the story. I'm almost thinking this book can benefit without a prologue, but by jumping straight into the action. Of course, though, that's up to you.
The other thing I noticed is that at times, you tend to "tell" us things, rather than "show". Again, this is a common issue in writing and is an easy fix. Instead of telling us what Sarah's room looks like, why don't you show us? For example, let's see her stack the books on her bookshelf and setting up her bathroom. Showing us how organized she is will allow the reader to really dig deep into her personality.
There's an instance where you leave the first-person point of view and jump into second-person. To fix this, just replace "you" with "one". Since I'm on the topic, you can benefit from cutting back on some of your descriptions (not that they're bad; they're awesome!), so they don't drag the reader away from the narrative.
I would advise you to run this book by an editing shop, since there are quite a few grammar issues, as well as punctuation. There were multiple moments where you forgot to put a punctuation mark within the dialogue tags, so the sentences dragged. Remember, almost all instances of dialogue need to have a punctuation mark. An editing shop will be able to help you, though, or, if you don't want to visit one, edit the book again yourself. There are also some grammar websites online that you can run it though. They will point out the mistakes and tell you how to fix them.
Regardless of the above issues, I really enjoyed the book! Sarah was a well-developed character, who had a unique charm to her every step of the way. Her personality is one I can resonate with, since I, too, was nervous about leaving home for college, but I knew I needed to leave the nest and start a life of my own. That attribute is what makes her a strong protagonist. I rooted for her every chapter. Even though I saw her flaws, I knew she would be able to fix them, making for amazing character development.
The story is a strong one. While it's not totally original, you put a unique twist on it with your well-developed characters. I'm normally not a fan of clichés, but this was the rare exception. I don't mind them, as long as they're written well, and yours is.
Overall, this is a very well-written story. I believe it will go far, if you continue to edit it, fix the prologue, and work on the "show", don't "tell" rule. Like I mentioned before, these are common issues with writing. What's important is that you take the time to go back, re-visit the issues, and fix them. Editing is a long and grueling process, but at the end of the day, it will get you and your book far. Good luck!
