Chapter 7
Back when I wasn’t over you, I used to sit there and stare into a mirror, looking at myself. I know I probably sound conceited right now. I would stand there and pick out the things that I saw wrong with me and say that that was why you didn’t like me. It eventually became unconscious. After I got over you, I noticed it. I would look in to mirror and see everything that was wrong and I would not have anything to blame it on. It just became part of my daily routine. I got to the point where I refused to get on a scale because of how scared I was of that number. I hated looking in the mirror. I began beating myself up. Not physically, but in a much more painful way. Internally. I would sit there and this person inside my head would just sit there and bully me. Every missed question on even the dumb non-graded worksheets, every little thing that may have come out wrong when I said it, every single mistake they remembered me making, was used against me. I was being tortured and there was literally nothing I could do about it. The bitchy little girl in my head, we’ll call her Tara, never shut up. Eventually she began ruling my life. I would go to hand in a worksheet and she would tell me that I had better get them all right or I was a complete idiotic failure. I would look at food and was reminded of how much fatter it would make me. Eventually, I found ways to shut her up. One was to stop eating, so that I wouldn’t get any fatter and would maybe lose weight too. I found that pain shut her up. Unfortunately I wouldn’t hurt her, because she wasn’t somewhere I could access. So I found that when I hurt, she hurt. And when she hurt she shut up. I began self-harming. It started small, nail clippers scratched on my wrist until it swelled, nails dug into my wrist until there would be a scar for weeks, etcetera. Eventually she learned how to deal with that. So I moved to bigger things. I moved on to knives, razors and more. I used my nails when I was in school and couldn’t have a razor. I learned that if I scratched harm enough with my nails I could break the skin just the same. These became daily things.
Ok just one quick thing- If you still think this whole thing was because of you then you need to check your ego.
Eventually a guy came along. I thought I liked him back. He saw the real me and wanted to fix me, to change me. I now realize, sadly, that he was used as a final attempt, an escape. It was my last hope of trying to pull out of this dark hole I had fallen into. He tried to “fix” me. As if I was a simple broken toy that could be fixed with a hammer and screwdriver. Eventually we broke up. That’s where I knew it was done.
At the same time all of this was happening, I was still dealing with Spencer and Lexi and their issues. All of my issues were thrown under the table. I was used simply as a way to fix everyone’s problems. Tara began telling me that too. She began telling me that on top of me being fat and ugly, I was worthless. Things began getting even worse.
I think this is enough stuff for one letter. You should receive another letter in a few days.
Until then,
Katie
How can this be? I don’t even understand why she did it. I can’t believe I didn’t know I had done this to her. And I could have stopped this if…
