More than I ever will // SaMo

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I could never understand why everything ended the way it did. We are two people, together for as long as 8 years. But despite that, whenever I admire her glistening brown eyes, the feelings I thought I had, it never felt way love had been described to me.

"It's when you felt your heart race."

"It's when you feel the blood come rushing to your face whenever your eyes meet."

"When you think about them constantly."

"When you crave their love."

I never felt any of it. And I constantly wonder to myself why that was. She is beautiful, intelligent, and independent. What more could you want from someone?

A question I ask myself whenever her arms wrapped around me. Her arms were warm, a gaze soft and adoring, all these things yet not I never felt a thing.

It takes me back to when the young Minatozaki Sana had given me a letter. A letter which any hopeless romantic would have fallen for.

Whenever I played a romance-themed song, that letter rang louder than the instruments playing. It was almost as if Sana herself had read it to me in an empty room containing just the two of us.

' It's weird, isn't it? I've gotten so used to calling you my best friend. Holding your firm hand whenever we watched horror movies. At moments like that, I thought I would end up laughing saying something like "look at you! A knight in shining armor!" In a joking tone. But for some reason, at moments like that, I feel safe.

Whenever I hugged you and joked as if we were dating, somewhere deep inside my heart, I wanted it to be true. I want to tell people that I was dating Hirai Momo. The Hirai Momo would spend hours in a room dancing alone preparing for an event. The Hirai Momo would bury her head inside a book every weekday.

You are so many things that I'm not. It's just that whenever I see you, I just stand there and wonder, "I wish I could be like that." Because whenever I saw you, you were preparing for the next quiz or an upcoming exam. Or even dance in a room filled with whatever music you felt like dancing to.

Every time I saw you, you were alone. But you didn't seem alone. You were content. It was like everyone else didn't exist. It had always been you, books and song.

But there was me. Doing things I never wanted to impress people. Hosting parties to feel cool, getting into vaping because my friends were, and even went to an abandoned house that people thought was a murder scene because they wanted to.

There were so many people around me yet I felt alone. I thought it was so unfair that I was doing all these things but I just end up feeling void. Yet here you were doing things you wanted to while keeping check on your school.

I want to be like you. And I want to be with you. I want to experience new things with you. I want to have birthdays with us alone having a candlelit dinner in a house you and I live in.

I adore you, Momo. '

And just like that, the song ends. The feelings she feels, I felt it even after graduating.

I feel like shooting myself in the foot after accepting her dear confession. I knew deep inside that I never felt the same things she did. It just doesn't feel right accepting someone's genuine feelings.

I say these things but I've started embracing her loving nature. Often buying gifts she might like and even started showing her more and more affection towards her.

Maybe I was starting to get used to her being around.

Sometimes, the feelings I have for her feel as if we were on the same piano playing different songs.

Sana may say things such as, "I wish I could be like you." But, I wish I could be like her.

I wish I could be as honest as her, as thoughtful as her, as generous as her, and most of all, as loving as her. Sana fails to realize that she is so much more than I am.

I want to be able to return the bottomless love Sana offers.

"Sana," I whisper to her ear as she lays quietly asleep. "I love you."