It was a perfectly rainy day, small droplets of rain coalesce with each other until they're heavy enough to slide down the smooth window pane as if they were racing towards the bottom. I look up at the window to reminisce in the rain; sad, sullen memories came and flooded my mind all at once.
Cousin Sarah and I seem to agree that we're both fundamentally different from our families, and we were blessed with whatever the fuck gene that caused us depression. Everything just piled up on me, and my interests shifted from energetic to mellow ones. Now everything makes me sad. It's not even the shallow type of sad anymore, but my friends said it couldn't be that bad.
Sometimes hearing that makes me even more upset. Sometimes I just wish they'd feel what I feel, or that I lose them completely. I don't need friends. I don't 'need' anyone. And I don't know how to cope, or sometimes I do know how to cope but I get self aware if it's even healthy or not. But why would I care anyway? At this point, I just want to feel anything other than sad.
Well..there's blank,
aggravated,
aroused,
disassociated.
Sometimes I wonder how much of these I get in a day, or if the universe decides to surprise me with a new feeling.
I'm still getting used to it. Well, not really. Nobody really does get used to it. They just say that so no one bothers them about their depression... At least I do. I tell everyone "i'm fine and i'm getting better" because that's the quintessential excuse to cover up that nothing can cure feelings but feelings.. and if that's the case, I'd have no cure at all. And it's hard to make it obvious because I don't want to.
I'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow. It's a relief that I own none of the furniture in the room, or else I'd have a difficult time moving places.
Freelancing doesn't really take me anywhere nice. I just need to make ends meet and call it a day.
