The Void Inside

Surviving

I sit and ponder what has become of me as my gaze wanders across the room. As the walls fill with grayness, I aimlessly search across the room. The whirring of the fan wakes up my mind, drowning out the loud thoughts. I feel compelled to get out of bed, my body awakens from its slumber, and I sit up in bed. I get to my feet and walk towards my mirror, where my reflection reminds me how strikingly plain I am. I take out my phone to look at the time, "7:00 am," the time I had planned to work out.

I crawl back into bed and mindlessly scroll through Instagram to kill time. My gaze is glued to the screen as I watch people on the other side of the world post about their exciting adventures, pose in pretty clothing, and do anything else that screams, "I'm living my best life."

My mind begins to wander, and a sense of emptiness overpowers me, leaving me dazed. The sound of my breathing reminds me of my existence. My screen shuts down automatically in a few milliseconds, and the time on the lock screen displays 9:20 am. My mind suddenly reverts back to reality, and my eyelids blink, waking me up. 

I rush downstairs to have breakfast in order to avoid meeting with my family. The food enters my mouth as the flavor combinations fill my tummy, savoring every last morsel. I tidy up after myself and return to my room. I recline in my bed, listening to the world awaken. In an effort to slow my racing thoughts, I fiddle with my hair.

I rise up from bed and freshen up to begin the day. The thrill of every day being a new day died a long time ago. As my insides remain emotionless, I go about my mundane tasks and clean up my room. The smell of degergent is so familiar to me that it doesn't bother me because my body is on autopilot.

The day progresses as I lie in bed, watching YouTube videos incessantly until I get bored and switch back and forth to Netflix like I toss and turn in bed. I'd go back to Instagram hoping to find something worthwile to occupy my time, only to find myself scrolling mindlessly until I'm bored enough to switch to Tiktok. The same thing happens the next day, then next week, until I realize it's been two months.

I'm constantly feeling like a floating balloon about to burst. While my head is in the clouds, life appears to pass before my eyes. Far way from everyone and everything. I'm not really happy, but I don't want to die. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, but I've got to keep going. As time goes by, I feel a void crept in me. I try to be happy, but it's not always easy.

The monotony of life saps its excitement. My life appears to be cyclical and repetitive. I wake up and it's the same script, different day.

How do we revive the spirit when the world feels jaded and worn?