Feelings.
I'm afraid of them all, the feeling of love, hurt, happiness, disappointment, betrayal, sadness, empathy, selfishness, sympathy. The thought of facing them ever head on, acknowledging and yet at times rejecting these emotions, getting drunk over any one of them, it doesn't matter, good or bad they're both equally capable of making me go insane. The idea of not being able to show any kind of emotion one day is terrifying. What if i try to write about them again but my words dry up?
I'm afraid that I'd taste love one day and i won't remain the same. It will mould me into something more naive, something hopeful. What if i crave it so much that i end up losing it?
I'm afraid of being hurt, feeling hurt and most importantly seeing hurt. What if my ignorance hurts someone? What if that someone is me? What if i don't feel hurt at all? What if i really get used to it? I don't want to be hurt but neither do I ever want to forget this feeling.
I'm afraid of happiness. It's a curse but so beautiful that i cannot help but pray for it everyday. What if one day i feel so high on smiles that anything less than that doesn't feel valuable anymore?
I'm afraid of being a disappointment. I look at my father's eyes and he isn't happy anymore, he doesn't hope for much, not from me. I look at my mother's eyes and she says it'll be alright, you did your best and it's good. What if she stops believing too? If my younger self saw me right now, she'd cry.
I'm afraid of betrayal. Friendships are rough. It's bitter, i tried to write about it once and i gave up. I couldn't write about it then, i can't now. All I know is, it's bitter, it's bitter, it's sour. Never regret tasting it, the fault wasn't yours.
Sadness and empathy are the twins of my soul. One scares me, the other drains me to core. They follow me everywhere I go. It's tiring and still I'd never choose to let them go. I want them to stay, I want them to gone.
They hug me and I like it but it isn't warm.
I'm afraid I've become too selfish. This heart, it craves a lot. Oh to be on the recieving side, oh to never give anything in return at all. To want to feel everything yet not feel at all, to want to be loved but never love, to never want any more mistakes and failures, to wish things could be same, to run away from your responsibilities and hope you never get blamed for them.
I'm afraid the way you look at me, those eyes with pity and sympathy, they scare me. I'm afraid i make you feel the same. We're not naive just a little soft.
I'm scared of them all, laughs, screams and cries. I'm afraid they reside in me a lot and I'm afraid if i ever let go they'll be forever gone. Feelings or emotions, call them whatever you want, they're scary, i feel them a lot but what if one day I look at someone bleeding and don't flinch at all? What if I see someone sobbing and immediately take the other road? What if I end up pushing them so much away that i can never express at all? What if i pick up my pen but the ink is gone?
—
i need this misery
i need this rage
i need this comfort
i have to see
i have to feel
only then is it real
only then it's me.
