Anxious anxiety I fight you with my lack of sobriety and I couldn't find a better way to deal with things, I don't take them lightly. Over seeing what I've over looked and I can't feel my face when my tightly packed schedule is overbooked. My hands need to keep doing so another beer in my hand is what I look forward too. Dreams pissed away over pride and chasing another adrenaline high to match the last. My brain is crackling since it's fragile, it's like it's made of plastic, maleable because of the heat, the guilt strangles me on the regular. Missed birthdays, missed phone calls, missed funerals,missed weddings,missed births, missing family and friends that lay deep in the dirt. Stories from before,stories that lay ahead, can't get these unwanted memories out of my head. Talking feels good for the moment momentarily but now I'm twenty two and addictive personality is what's scaring me. A deep depression that won't leave no matter how violently I try to move passed it, no matter how nicely I ask it, medicine won't fix it ,a flask will not mask it,neither will these habitual sins. I look for peace in people, so I talked with a priest maybe he'll know, but when you stare at a man whose forty four, you believe he won't understand your nights out with the smoke and whores, his invitation might be only met with closed doors, you know this man hasn't experienced what you have, he hasn't even harmed another man, so that's why I believe his message to god from me ,might be misunderstood, what countries has that man's feet stood.The only thing I know is the booze can listen better than he could. Outcasted by myself ,liquor looks magnificent in my hand and off the shelf.Selfishness in my identity when it comes to gluttony. Selflessness in my identity with others I put above me. So the only thing I am now is a friend, that's all that matters in the end.I'm there for you, however I seem to never be there for myself. That's why I drown internally from the bottle, that's why I put this tobacco in my mouth, that's why when I'm drunk on another bender I shout. I just don't understand myself, I don't know what this life I lead is about.
