Crazy Sells

Travis Husker

april 13, 1986
5:46 A.M.

the delicate feeling as the water runs down the curvature of goosebumps, slick hair sticking to the back of my neck. the aura of indistinguishable cleanliness - shower.
a haze of mist blinding what was ever left of vision while in said shower, the incredible noise of water hitting plastic.

the act of over-romanticizing something as simple as cleansing a teenage body.

especially one of my own.

i didnt know what happened that made me like this. a love for being unique, the inadequate and irrational fear of being one of millions that don't mater to the world, or yet, another lost soul in a children's hospital.

i didnt want to write these feelings down. a recommendation, by a therapist i have never yet trusted or believed in.

"the act of poetry, from someone as you, is a beautiful gift that many people will find inspiring." he'd tell me every time i denied.
translation -
"a quirky kid who's blind has an autobiography? that'll sell" is only what i imagined he was thinking.

i wrote them down anyways, for pleasing my mother. she's weak, and frail. my illness has all drained her of the beautiful spunk and smile she used to cherish. i've done more to ruin her than i have myself.
a delicate women, her honey blonde loose bob hair gently swaying against her shoulders. a purple-grey shade now conquering her eyes. she is not happy, and it is due to me.
she constantly reassures me that it wasn't my fault.
its not my fault we don't have much money.
its not my fault he left.
its not my fault.
its not my fault.
its not my fault.
its... my fault.

but i didn't mean to.

where were we now, shower?
ah, yes. now, i need you to close your eyes, tilt your head back, and picture you as me. tediously reaching around and around again to find shampoo. do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to read brail on shampoo? i can easily distinguish conditioner from shampoo from many variables (texture, smell, consistency) yet, its extra money down my shower drain. to help kids like me, a convenience thing.

there is nothing convenient about being like this.
a failed experiment.
a another excuse for taxpayers to riot over.
unloveable.
untouchable.
unteachable.
un. prefix
denoting the absence of a quality of state; not.

the thing about 'words' like un, is it is the pessimism of the english language.
the thing about 'people' like me, is it is the pessimism of the human species.

i didn't want to write these feelings down.