Learn From it, Grow From it, Lay it to Rest

Learn from it. Grow from it. Lay it to Rest. 24MAY2021

     I shot myself 1,981 days ago. It still affects me to this day. The last day for me to feel sorry for myself was 1,982 days ago. The day I woke up in the hospital was the first day I should've sighed in relief. Instead, five in a half years later, I'm still feeling sorry for myself. I do it because it's the easier to feel sorry for myself instead of living in my purpose, living my best life. I thought that over time I would give up and attempt to take my life again. Little did I know, I'm not doing that again.
I took that shotgun to my chin because my life wasn't going anywhere. I was lazy and just not working towards anything. I was entitled because I felt as if I was owed the life I wanted. Figured eventually the glorious life I dreamed of would be handed to me on a silver platter. I didn't want it as bad as I said I did. I feared my life and my future family would fall a part just like my present family did, more than this strong happy life I said I wanted. It was just easier to fear the unknown versus having faith in my potential and purpose. I knew the fear would drive me to take my life when I could no longer take the misery. I never knew what to expect when God woke me up a few weeks later. As the fear inside me grew, my confidence and self-belief shrunk. I let the approvals and opinions of those in my family dictate how I looked at myself. Spending years wanting to get the approval of others led me to feel and believe like I was worthless and would never be good enough. Not even in my own eyes. I was 20 then... That was a cute excuse five years ago. I turn 26 in a month, that excuse is no longer acceptable. I MUST bring that dawg out in me. That dawg that would come out when someone disrespected me or said I couldn't do something even though I knew for a fact that I could. I will bring that dawg out and leave him out until I'm satisfied with the life I'm living. I will prove myself wrong by becoming more than I ever thought I could become. The dreams and goals I have now aren't shit to what I'm going to leave behind when it's all said and done. Shit happens, but I have shit to accomplish. Before I can do that, I MUST get up off my ass and work everyday towards the life I want to live. The words "lazy" and "fear" will immediately be removed from my vocabulary. I will do it more than I say it. I am blessed now... A 20-year-old helpless boy should have never survived a gunshot to the chin. I am blessed God dumped a bucket of strength inside of me when he created me. The strength and persistence I showed during the three months in the hospital and the following year of physical therapy is strength I never knew I had. That same strength is what gave me the confidence that I needed to believe that I could live this amazing life, and that I truly deserve this second chance. I am happy all of this happened. Without it, I would still be that fearful little kid with no direction. My heart has pumped harder these last five years than it has ever pumped in my entire life. My heart woke up the desire I once had to pull me out of bed and force myself to live. That desire to live, and to help other people bring hope and love into their life keeps me going. Keeping faith and self-love in my own life is what radiates into them and uplifts them. I am the reason I'm still here. No body can take that away from me. Not even myself. This is my life. It's been a hell of a life, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
Read what I've written, see how far I've come, and appreciate the journey I've survived. No one else could have created the same beautiful life as I have made it to be. Congrats on making it this far, for surviving through all the moments I believed I wouldn't survive, and for waking up every morning and getting up. Stop focusing on what happened in the past. It made me who I am today because I let it. That does not mean I have to let it define me. The positive things that have come from this are here to stay, but this paranoia that I'll never be good enough, or the rumors I put into my head that I can't live the life I want to live are so five years ago. I'm never going any lower than where I've been. Look up because that's where I'm growing. I made the decision in the hospital to turn this negative into a positive. I've thought of taking my life numerous times since the original time, but my mind has been set on life. So, I will move forward because it's not happening again. I am living for me because I want to. I am stronger because of the things I've endured. When I was dead, my heart said, "no, we continue with life." The experiences I have make me more valuable to myself because I know how to identify triggers, when to act accordingly during my mental breakdowns, and how to talk myself down when things escalate. I am more in control of my life than ever before. I am happier than ever before. I am more alive now than I thought was even possible for my life. I know how I felt then, and I know how those feelings resurface to this day. I will be better at not letting those feelings or thoughts take over my mindset. I've adapted a self-belief that I never had before. It's only going to get bolder as the days continue. Robert believes in Robert and that's all the approval I need. I want to live more now because of how low I felt then, and how high I feel now.
When I woke up in the hospital weeks later, that guilt I was feeling because of the pain I was bringing on to my family and friends was still there. I shot myself expecting to die...to take away my mother and fathers' son, my sister's baby brother, and my best friends, best friend. I felt guilty and weak for doing that to them, but at that time it was the only solution I could think of. That guilt should have slowly faded away after I realized I had survived it all. Maybe not right then and there, but I shouldn't be carrying around that same guilt to this day. I didn't fail at killing myself because I prevailed, and I came out alive. That is success in my eyes! I killed the parts of Robbie that needed to die. Fear and guilt were able to squeak by. Today that guilt Robbie felt because he didn't want to hurt mommy and daddy is buried in the same grave that was dug for him years ago. That fear of not being good enough is put in the same grave because Robert is more than good enough and shows that every day I wake up and decide to live. I will no longer let guilt and fear run my life. Every day I do, is another day wasted. I haven't been running from my deathbed these past five years. I've been running towards it wasting away this amazing life I have. My work ethic is about to be increased to hyperdrive because my why is life. My why is not letting fear control my life and letting opportunities pass me by. My why is that 20-year-old kid who thought he had nothing going for him, just to find out he damn near threw away the greatest blessings of them all since he was afraid to take a step forward and do something for himself. I blew away 20 years of my life; I'm not throwing away the next 60 years. My story, my experiences, my downfalls, my uprisings, and my love is going to save more lives than anyone could ever imagine. Starting with my own.