an exquisite catastrophe.

Chapter One

"Nicole, how's your studies?" my dad asked while we were having dinner.

There it is. That question again. It was their only concern. If I was doing well with my studies. It's been years so I got used to them just caring about my grades and not me as a person. They didn't care how I was doing, kung nagpapahinga pa ba 'ko o tuloy-tuloy lang na nag-aaral so I lost interest in maintaining good health. The only thing important was how I was doing with my studies, kahit mental health ko ay hindi ko na rin napagtutuunan ng pansin dahil doon. To my parents, my grades were far more important than my mentality. And as years passed, it also became like that for me.

"I still haven't gotten my report card for this semester, Dad." I said with a fake smile on my face. I lost my appetite just by hearing those words from him.

"Do well." my mom said with a tone of finality. Kapag ganoon ang tono ng boses niya, isa lang ang ibig sabihin. Isa lang rin ang pwedeng maging sagot.

"I will." I answered. Looking down on my plate, not having the courage to look in her eyes while saying those words.

I should do well. I should do better. I should be the best. 

Because I am Tamara Nicole Fernandez, daughter of two successful business tycoons in the Philippines. If I fail, I'd bring our whole family down with me. 

That was how my parents raised me. They raised me thinking it was necessary to be liked, loved, and be praised by people. The reason why I grew up always willing to give even if it meant losing who I was. Bought along a list of things that I could offer to prove my worth, as if simply being myself wasn't good enough.

After dinner, I went up to my room and did my night routine. I was studying for my make-up exam when I suddenly had the urge to cry. I tried to distract myself by going on my phone despite the heaviness I was feeling on my chest. But no matter how hard I try, I couldn't help it. I turned my phone off and stared at the ceiling, tears flowing down my cheeks. I was breaking down again.

I was feeling so empty and tired from everything. I could still remember the last time I cried. Nangako ako sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi na ako babalik sa sitwasyon na 'to pero nandito ulit ako. Nandito na naman ako. 

I should do well. I should do better. I should be the best. No. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve better than what I am experiencing now. I deserve all the best this life could offer.

During nights like this, I badly wanna cry in someone's arms and tell them how much I have been suffering all my life. But just the thought of opening up, scared me. Because I didn't want people to see me the way I see myself. I didn't want them to pity me.

I was planning to pull an all-nighter that night. Kahit buong araw akong nag-aral, pakiramdam ko ay kulang pa rin. Kaya naman pagkatapos ng ilang oras, sa kabila ng pagod dahil sa pag-iyak. Tumayo ako at kinuha ang mga gamit ko para mag-aral.

I was looking for a book in my backpack when something fell on the floor. When I saw it, I immediately hid it inside a drawer of my study desk. Ni-lock ko pa 'yon para siguradong hindi makikita ng iba.

It was my report card, given to me earlier by my adviser.

Bumigat ang dibdib ko ng maalala ang sinabi sa 'kin ng prof ko kanina.

"Nicole! Pinapatawag ka ni Miss Castillo sa faculty room, may sasabihin lang daw siya sa 'yong importante" sabi ng class president namin sa 'kin.

I stared at her, confused. But still nodded and thanked her for telling me. I stood up and went to the bathroom first to freshen up before going straight to the faculty room. I knocked twice and came in.

Pagkapasok ko, nakita kong nandoon si Miss Castillo. Mag-isa siya, kaya naman dumiretso na ako sa table niya.

"Good afternoon, Miss. You called me here daw po?" I said smiling at her despite being confused why I'm here.

"Ah, yes anak. Please, have a seat. I need to tell you something."

I sat on the seat in front of her table and focused on what she was going to say.

"Anak, I'm sorry to ask you this but were you able to focus on your studies this semester?"

Nangunot ang noo ko. "Yes, Miss." I almost stuttered, kinakabahan ako.

Tumango siya at saka bumuntong-hininga. Binuksan niya ang isang drawer ng desk niya at may kinuha. Inabot niya sa 'kin ang isang envelope na agad ko namang binuksan.

Natigilan ako ng makita kung anong laman niyon. It's my report card. I went through it and saw my grades. Matataas ang mga iyon which made me proud of myself. Not until I saw the last subject, walang grade na nakalagay roon.

My lips parted, confused. I slowly looked at Miss Castillo, my eyes asking the reason why.

"I purposely did not put anything on your report card because I wanted to give you a chance." she said, her face reflecting a hint of pity.

"What do you mean, Miss?" I asked, nervous.

"Sasabihin ko na sa 'yo 'to ng diretso. Hindi enough ang nakuha mong average sa course ko para makasama ka sa mga students na gagraduate this school year. My subject is a major one, importanteng maipasa mo ang course na ito to be able to move forward."

My lips split in shock at what was taking place. I have never in my life received a failing grade. This occasion marked a first. I have always been an achiever. My parents, however, have never told me they were proud. They saw it as something typical. While for me, it was a commitment I had to make, no matter how challenging it can be to make them proud. 

Fortunately, since this was the first time I had a failing grade, Miss Castillo gave me a chance to still graduate together with my batchmates. Ang sabi niya ay kailangan ko raw ipasa ang make-up exam na ibibigay niya para maidagdag niya sa grades na nakuha ko this semester. Pero hindi noon nabawasan ang bigat sa pakiramdam ko. Because eventually, my parents will know about this matter. At sigurado akong hindi nila magugustuhan 'to.

Pinunasan ko ang mga luhang nakawala sa mga mata ko at saka bumalik sa kama para ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ko. 

"You failure!" Napahawak ako sa kanang pisngi ko ng maramdaman doon ang hapdi. Kakauwi ko lang galing school dahil ngayon ang schedule ng pag-take ko ng make-up exam. Nakapasa ako, pero hindi noon nabago ang reaksyon ng mga magulang ko. 

"Pag-aaral na nga lang ang gagawin mo, hindi mo pa magawa ng maayos! Alam mo ba kung gaano kaming nahihiya? You fucking failed a subject! Kung sa ganito pa lang ay tatanga-tanga ka na, ano pa kapag nasa pangalan mo na ang kompanya natin?!" 

I never wanted that. I never wished to be a heir. What I wanted was to be someone who doesn't live for academic validation. What I wanted was to be someone who can freely chase her dreams without the burden of other people's expectations. 

I had reasons, but I chose not to talk. 

I didn't speak up not because I didn't want to. I didn't speak up because I knew I wasn't going to be heard. And I'd rather never speak up than never be understood.

"I'm sorry, Mom, Dad." Iyon lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko pagkatapos ng mahabang sandaling pinapagalitan nila 'ko.

"Well, since nandito na rin naman tayong tatlo. Your dad and I have something to tell you." my mom said.

I knew consequences would come next.

I stared at my mom, waiting for her to talk. Surprisingly, she was calm. She looked happy, that I failed. Like she has been waiting for this to happen. Like the long wait has finally come to an end. It made me scared.

"Make sure you're ready. You'll be meeting your fiance this weekend." 

:)