Happiness

1. Mom?

A/N

Might delete this, idk

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TW : Abusive/manipulative parent, sewer slidal thoughts, eating problems, anxiety.

I stepped through the apartment door and closed it behind me. I let my backpack slip off my shoulders as I tossed it to the side.

I sat down on the dirty black shoe mat and after a bit of struggle tugged off my red white-laced shoes and stood back up.

After living in this damned place for so long it seemed that these bright red worn-out converse of mine were the only colored thing I could point out in the grey dullness of my so-called "home". This wasn't home, but it was all I knew, all I had ever known.

Seven years hadn't felt that long when I thought about it for a quick second, but it had also felt like an eternal hell.

I often wondered if I would ever get out of here alive, or if they'd find me with a slit throat on the kitchen floor one day next to a bloody knife. Sometimes it was all I could think about.

I brushed a light brown streak of hair out of my face as I walked towards the kitchen. I opened the fridge and glanced over the contents of it.

The inside of the fridge looked just as it always did. Mostly empty, one or two half empty milk cartons, one or two things that had started molding, and two big bottles of soda.

I smiled at the big soda bottles that stood in the fridge door before closing the fridge. Today was movie night, which meant we would get goodies, snacks, soda and whatnot while watching a movie together, the whole family.

I threw a quick glance at the kitchen table that was covered in dirty dishes, newspapers, scraps, trash, all sorts of things. Mom will clean it up later, I thought to myself and walked back into the main hallway of the apartment.

Mom won't clean it up later.

I walked towards mine and my brother's shared room, stopping to look at my backpack that laid on the floor of the hallway.

I knew I had homework. I had to do the homework. It's due tomorrow. I need to do the homework. Pick up the bag. You need to do the homework or she'll get mad. You're a fucking disgrace-

I continued walking towards my room.

I sat down on my bed, the covers had a pretty My Little Pony print. I took my phone out and checked my notifications before I opened the Notes app. I made a new note and started writing.

Today was my tenth birthday. Me, Adrian and Avery ate cake for breakfast, but Avery had to leave early because they were gonna miss their bus. Nobody played with me in school, I don't think they like me that much anymore. Maybe it's because the house is so messy. I don't mind it so I don't know why they would. Do I smell bad? Maybe that's the case. Yeah. I'll use Avery's perfume tomorrow. Mom was sleeping when I got home so I didn't bother waking her. Tonight is movie night, I want to eat lots of candy!

I giggled to myself and closed the Notes app.

I went back to the kitchen to check the fridge again. Nothing changed. Still the two milk cartons and the lingering smell of rotting food.

I waited a few seconds. I checked my phone. Opened the fridge again. Nothing changed. Closed it. Opened it. Once again the same.

I closed the fridge and walked over to the pantry. There was a big bag of candy and I could see some of my favorites laying at the bottom of the bag.

One small candy won't hurt I thought to myself as I carefully reached for the bag.

I flinched as I heard my mom shout that dreadful name that I hated so much.

"I didn't realize you got home!" I quickly closed the pantry and subconsciously mentally prepared myself to face my mom.

"How was school?" She asked as she walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

"I-it was fine, most of my friends were busy though so I played on my own for today." I looked at the floor and fidgeted with my fingers.

"Oh, well I hope you had fun still." She looked at me and smiled that warm smile that always made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like she really loved me.

Then came that sentence that I dreaded oh-so much.

"We're running out of milk, can you run by the store and get some?" She pulled out her wallet and fiddled with it, trying to get some cash from the tight pockets of the wallet.

"I-I.. uhm.. can't- can't Avery do it? I did it last time." I didn't look up from the floor as I fidgeted more with my fingers.

"No, they're with a friend. We need milk for dinner tomorrow." She looked at me more sternly than before. I didn't see her face but I heard it in her voice that she was getting irritated. I felt my breathing get shakier and more strained.

"Please, I don't feel like it-" I didn't get to finish my sentence before she cut me off.

"Oh, so after everything I've done for you, I gave you a roof over your head and I fed you, I took care of you, and you can't even do this for me?" I looked up for a second to take in my mother's disappointed expression that burned a mark in my brain. A permanent memory that always stayed with me.

Tears burned behind my eyes but I swallowed them down. I didn't wanna her to think that I was crying in self pity, like I was crying to gain her sympathy.

"Well? Helloooo?? Can you go buy us some milk now so we don't starve?" She reached the money out to me and raised her eyebrows.

"I-I'm sorry, please not this time, I-I'll do it next time but I really don't feel like it." I pleaded, trying my best to keep my tears from falling.

She sighed dramatically, making sure I heard it.

"Fine, I guess I'll have to do it on my own then. If you won't give your hard working mother a break even once." My stomach sank like a rock.

"W-wait, no, I can do it, I'm sorry, I was being childish," I begged, but she was already putting her shoes and jacket on, getting ready to leave the apartment.

"No, no, you stay here in the luxury of your home and play on your little phone, I don't mind. You obviously don't have anything better to do," she said sarcastically before leaping out the door and locking it behind her.

I stood in the hallway for a second, staring at my shoes that sat comfortably on the shelf next to the shoe mat. Should I go after her? Follow along? I thought about it.

No. No, no.

I went back into my room and pulled out my phone once again, this time opening YouTube as I drowned away my feelings in my phone, like I always did.

I didn't do it on purpose of course, but it was the only way to escape from the reality that I had to live with.

I hadn't showered in a few days, maybe a week, I wore the same outfit that I had worn yesterday, my room was messy and unclean.

Maybe I did deserve all this.

Oh what am I kidding, my life is amazing. I should be happy that I even have a roof above my head and food in my tummy. I have no reason to be sad.

I did this to myself. It's my fault anyways.

It's always my fault.

Stupid.

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1320 words