Melting

One - Watching Windows

I prefer to be inside. Everything outside is a source of anxiety. I don't like the way heat settles heavily in my lungs, the way pollen sticks to my nose like a disease. I don't like the way mosquitos take my blood to the point of bursting, the way ants bite me when they wander onto my skin. I don't like the way the sun burns me, punishing me for living on this planet. I don't like the way the bright open sky makes my brain buzz, the way flies mimic the sound teasingly in my ears. I don't like the way rocks and twigs stab me, the way the wind tries to shove me. 

The heavy air might suffocate me, make me pass out and drain my wallet into nothing. The pollen might make my throat swell, might kill me whilst I nap gently in the sun. The mosquitos might make me ill and leave, an embarrassing way to go. The ants might make me swell or leave me in discomfort the whole day. The sun might give me skin cancer, might burn me to a crisp, or kill me in a new creative way. The sky makes my brain feel like static, so open and so broad it's dizzying; I feel like I could drown just looking at it, like it might tear my mind in half. The flies mimic that feeling, teasing me then flying just out of my reach. The rocks and twigs tear my skin and make me bleed, open to infection. The wind tries fruitlessly to shove my frail body to the ground. 

I love windows. They grant me the beauty of the world without the endless violence that comes with it. I can see the moon and stars without being blinded, can see the ocean without being stolen away beneath greedy waves. I watch bees kiss every flower they see without fear of being stung. I watch birds take twigs to their nests without fear of splinters. Windows are their own special, caged freedom, one I am happy to accept.