Fuck Society

FTW

 I'm going out of my mind, as crazy as a mental patient. There has to be something wrong with me. Question is... How do I fix it? I don't even know what I'm so clustered about. My life is like a roller coaster I wish I could get off of. I can't be like this anymore. What once used to be happiness and joy is now what is known to me as misery and darkness. They say misery loves company; I don't want company, I don't want anyone around me. I can't let anyone near this cyclone of a disaster. I see people watching me like I'm the guinea pig in their science project, they're analyzing something they know nothing about. I have this monster inside me that is taking over and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it. The feeling of having no control over not only my life but myself as well. It's like trying to run away from the danger chasing you in a nightmare, I'm moving but I'm not getting away. I'm stuck, scared and alone. I try to blame my medication or just having a bad day; what happens when the bad day is everyday?
The devils teeth sink into me deeper and deeper, as the red tears pour I feel the angels cry their way out of me. For those few moments I feel the weight of the pain I can't escape. "This is it, this is my way out. Get off the ride once and for all!" Flash through my mind like the credits rolling at the end of an unsatisfying movie as I stare at the bottle in my hand. My dreams and goals slipping through my fingers unable to grasp them. If I let go do I find peace or will the dragon from the hell I call life taunt me. I never thought I could get to this point, the only thoughts I have left are a brew of death, hatred, sorrow, and truly unhappiness. The disappearance of my existence would be as significant as an incomplete grain of sand being swept away by the oceans' tide.
"PLEASE, LET ME DIE!", the words came flooring off my tongue. She looked at me with such confusion. Why would I want to die? Where the fuck did this come from? The support of her hearts sob that should have changed my mind and made me feel cared for, didn't. I begged with the last bit of soul I stored in me. "PLEASE! I need it to end, PLEASE!" The next thing I know, I'm answering my ringing phone... "I'm getting you help." Nothing hurt more than the dagger I was currently pulling out of my back; I didn't want the help, I knew how to help myself. A few extra pieces of the doctors ordered help was everything I needed. With the self hatred creeping up my neck like a chill from a winters' night blizzard whispering in my ear, "Do it, stop being so damn weak and just do it."
I promise my struggling friends who come to me for help thinking I'm stable, that we'll get through it together and hurting yourself won't help. I desperately wish I could believe my own lies. How am I suppose to keep my promise to them if I can't even listen to my own advice. Each hidden daggered line contains a dark secret that will follow me to my grave. The ugly secrets leaking with red ink are scarred into my body. The world may read them but it will never understand them; to each their own. My body is a novel with pages of green trees to be continually burned away to prolong the inevitable. For a short while I feel numb, the pain subsides and the fake illusion of being content peaks out. Faded, the memories of a joyful simplistic life and unforced laughter quietly say goodbye. Replacing I take in more fake illusions and exhale into a state of peace.
What happened to the girl who loved every aspect of life and wrestled to discover the positives hidden in the negative arrows the shadows struck at her like the lightning from the sky. The moments I feel good are the moments that are immediately suffocated by the war inside my mind. I hide behind a faulty laugh and smile to the world. I've become so good at faking my way through all the bullshit that I can trick everyone, that is everyone but myself. I'm my own worst enemy. It's time to face the truth, I'm stuck with myself there is no getting away. The one person that I need to notice, they turn their head from me with disgust of my presence. I feel like I have anchors chained to my feet, ripping me further and further down and I see the people around me witnessing my body's struggle as it goes through the fight for survival; no one can see that in my mind I'm already dead. Betrayed and confused by my own temple of thoughts, I wanted to be done. I'm tired. I'm tired of everything, school, riding, people, pain, all of it. I used to think I couldn't get enough of riding and the people I'm surrounded by. I try so hard to make myself love riding and have fun with it; in reality I'm not sure if I even want anything to do with it anymore. As for the people I'm surrounded by, if they were smart even in the slightest they'd run. Away from me and not think twice. I want to tell my parents I don't want to ride anymore but they'd never forgive me so I just have to deal.
All I do is sleep, weep, eat and repeat. I hold onto the idea that someone up there is looking out for me and just before the vision of the glassy swollen world in front of me turns to a black hole I pray it was for the very last time. I just want everything to come to an end.