If you wanted to [TordTom]

XV

The moment Tom got home, the last thing he could vaguely remember was clamoring upstairs and falling asleep inside his room. He didn't know what to feel--his calves burned from walking, but his blood was warm from adrenaline. His energy juxtaposed his body's ability to get up; after everything, he still wanted to keep the conversation going now that they were on the same level.

After all this time--Tord liked him--Tord loved him as a guy--someone loved him romantically--he could be loved romantically.

If only the younger version of himself could have heard this. It's bitter knowing that something he needed came when it wasn't his only concern anymore. Come to think of it, why did younger Tom think about romance so much? As he grew older, his priorities on making friends and relationships shifted away from prioritizing himself. Was it selfish? Is this how he'll avenge himself? As a sentient shell, that's just working?

Did he feel this way (or think that he had to feel this way); he hasn't received that kind of love, making him feel like he didn't deserve it.

It reminded him of the last prom he went to; the plan was that they would hang out together if they didn't have dates, so no one would feel alone. When he got there, Edd and Matt were dancing together, and Tord was with his sister--all he could do was sit on the bench and watch them have fun. It's not fair--he watched others enjoy something he should be able to--but he couldn't. If he danced with a guy friend, he would get bullied for being gay--it's not fair.

They didn't even notice him; he was just there. He wasn't Edd or Matt's best friend or someone Tord cared enough to look for. He just existed. Even when he got included, it was something done out of pity.

Watching Tord glance at Tamara lovingly and pull her hand gently towards the dancefloor--if only his sister knew, she would have declined. They were twins--she was basically him; if it was him instead of her--he wouldn't have looked like an idiot staring longingly at them. After a hell week of finals, living through threats and bullying. This prom was the one thing he looked forward to; maybe he would feel okay and remind himself that there was something to live for.

"I want to be held like that.."

Maybe he shouldn't be envious. It shouldn't even matter anymore.

He watched Tord hold Tamara's waist and pull her close for a quick kiss before dancing again. He was so gentle with her, and he could see that she wasn't talking to the Tord that talked to him.

It wasn't fair.

Tom walked out as discreetly as he could. The faint voice of his sister calling him haunts his soul. No one chased after him to ask what was wrong or convince him to stay. They just let him walk away and leave. The tiny glimmer in his soul longing for that should grow up and accept that he didn't get that before.

Maybe he should have let himself get kissed.