Sometimes, destiny happened in such an awful way. We often wish for it to be aligned with our goals and sometimes we break its law just to fight for something destiny decried.
Tulad ngayon, kasabay ng malakas ng buhos na ulan at ng malamig at marahas na hampas ng hangin ay ang mga luhang hindi namin pareho mapigilan. The rain was destined to happen. Like it was there to be the fittest background of our heartbreaking moment.
It was supposed to be our 8th anniversary. But heaven denied our supposed to be a day full of love and nostalgic reminiscing of old love. Instead, we're here saying our parting goodbyes as if it was the very last day we would be seeing each other. No more room for second chances and no hope for tomorrow. My excruciating heart was beating madly inside my chest. I need to keep it together for a while or I might just gave it all up with full of regrets.
"I don't regret any of this." Jeo smiled bitterly. Even with the remnants of his tears on his cheeks. He somehow managed to make it look like he's already alright.
"Hindi ako nagsisi na naging tayo. Mahal na mahal kita Gayle. Kahit ngayon na pinapalaya na kita. Kahit na hindi mo na ako mahal, mamahalin pa rin kita." he continued.
Mas lalo lang akong humagulgol sa mga salitang binibitawan niya. Bakit ganun? Hindi na niya kailangan pang sabihin iyon dahil mas mahihirapan lang akong kalimutan siya. Mas gugustuhin ko pa siyang pagsalitaan ako ng masama.
Hurtful words can fuel a broken heart. It gives you a reason not to think and feel about everything. It makes you numb. Right now, he's being unfair. Kung pareho lang naman pala kami ng nararamdaman bakit ganito?
Marami akong gustong sabihin pero hindi ko magawa dahil hinahabol ko ang hininga ko. I hate it when I cry hard, I always ended up tight-lipped until I could do is to cry my heart out.
This time, I gather all my strength to calm myself and save all the remaining hope our relationship had.
"Mahal mo pa rin ako? Bakit tayo maghihiwalay?! Bakit may iba ka na ba?"
"Wala akong iba Gayle pero nasasaktan na natin ang isa't isa! Hindi ko hihintayin maubos tayo dahil hindi ko kakayanin yun."
I shook my head. No, he's being irrational, and selfish. How could you leave someone you still love. Hindi ko naniniwalang mahal niya pa rin ako. Sinong putangina ang magmahal pa rin kahit hindi ka na niya raw mahal?
I was ready to rebut him but my pride is slowly creeping out on me. If this is what he wants, then why would I beg for the love I deserve?
"Ayaw kong dumating ang araw na titigan mo ko at wala ka ng mararamdaman na pagmamahal sa akin Gayle." he tried to reached for my hand but I moved away from, bitterly disgusted from what he just said.
"Kaya ngayon ka nakikipaghiwalay sa akin dahil alam mong mahal pa rin kita at kahit kailan hindi ako makikipaghiwalay sa 'yo?" My words left a stung on him, he couldn't even look me in the eyes now.
Mapait akong ngumiti. Funny how our perception and feelings on someone could easily change through their words. Dahil ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung may natitira pa ba akong pagmamahal sa lalaking minahal ko ng matagal na panahon.
No. Because even after all of this. I know somewhere in my heart, if he take back everything he said, I would wholeheartedly forgive him. That's how fucked up my love for him is.
"You're so unfair Jeo. You don't deserve any of my love... every single bit of it!"
I finally had the strength to release the building anger my heart was holding on for a while now. Destiny again reminded us that he is with us right now as the moonson wind howled harshly, I shivered. We shouldn't have celebrated our bitter anniversary here. The cozy interiors screams so much of lovely couples in romance films. The music on the stereo, although barely inaudible was something every couple would make their favorite song. Something that would make them remember of good times they spent in this wonderful place.
Think this place doesn't deserve to be a rendezvous of something heartbroken and miserable parting.
Jeo remained frozen. It was like he was considering what I had just said.
While he was looking away, I took the time to adore his features for the last time. There was a sudden volt that strike my heart when I realized I won't be having all of him tomorrow, for the next day, and for the rest of my life.
Hindi ko mapigilang humikbi muli. Stupid heart, I thought I was already getting off of him a while ago. Hindi pala ganun kadali bitiwan ang isang bagay na maraming beses mo nang sinalba at pinaglaban. What we had might not the perfect fairy tale everyone would wish. But ours, was the kind of love that keeps on coming back no matter how the universe wanted us to fall apart.
This time, I hate to admit that destiny wasn't on our side in the first place. It was never ours.
"How can I unlove you Jeo? Tell me. Bakit pa rang ang dali-dali mo lang itapon ang lahat? 8 years! Andami na nating napagdaan na mas malala pa rito pero lahat 'yun kinaya natin. Bakit ngayon pa? What went wrong?" my voice shattered and I let out a deep breath I was holding. Everything's too hard when you're crying. Even my own tongue and lungs are incapable of it's work.
He remained shut. But I noticed how he also took a deep breath as if he's preparing to blurt out the things I needed to move on from all of this bullshit. Come on Jeo, make me hate you. Because everything doesn't make sense to me anymore. My mind is clouded thinking of all the possible reasons he had on breaking up with me.
Then I remember that one particular I sin I commited. Does he finally realized I'm not worthy of his love anymore because of what I did before? Then, if he is, it's definitely long overdue. He had all the time in the world to dump me before when that happen. Bakit ngayon pa? Bakit ngayon na napatawad ko na ang sarili ko. Is he holding grudges?
"I'm sorry Gayle."
Alam ko. I had a hunch before. I even accused him a while ago. But he denied it.
"I cheated Gayle. I-I am sorry... hindi ko sinasadya."
Jeo stood up and kneel infront of me. We didn't care of some eyes that were probably watching us. We we're so hurt and broken at the same time, we felt like our world also stop spinning for the both of us.
I didn't know what to react. I remained on my sit while I feel my heart sank at the very moment. We stayed there for a minute. All I hear was Jeo's sobs while he carresed my hand. If this how the counterpart of destiny works, it's definitely on point when the rain suddenly stopped signalling the end.
Now I know how it feels like. I finally got a taste of my own karma.
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THIS IS UNEDITED. Sorry for the wrong grammar and typographical errors.
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