Hiding who I am

Robin sat in the corner of her dark room, knees pulled to her chest. Her eyes were red and puffy, with wet spots on her cheek. She had no idea how long she had remained in this position or what time it was, but judging by the dark sky outside her window and her numb legs, she could imagine that it was way too long.

The mirror in front of her was covered with a blanket, she couldn't look at herself anymore. She felt like she would just want to punch the mirror. It was all too much. She wanted to be normal. She tried to change, be someone else.

Her Fingernails dug into her bruised skin as she began to sob again.

She always seemed to be so proud, to be sure of herself, to be so damn strong, but under all of it, she was scared, scared and so sad.

Her mind was fighting against her, screaming at her.

„You are never going to be loved", „everyone will be disgusted by you", „Freak"

She screamed, cried, and threw her head against the wall until sleep won the fight against her, and she fell onto the cold, hard floor. Her mind wandered to a better, easier world.

-

Everyone was watching her, too many people, looking for every mistake she makes or every dark secret she holds.

She could hear whispering on her left, laughing on her right, and fingers pointing at her from everywhere.

She tried to avoid showing any signs of weakness, tried to not get it near her.

The already nervous girl closed her eyes and took three deep breaths before opening them again. No one was staring at her, since everyone was too wrapped up in their own business. Nobody knows, how would they.

Robin used to feel differently, she used to love going to school, she used to laugh with her band members and hang out with a few friends. She was never a 'cool kid,' but it wasn't bad either.

That was till she overheard conversations about the „disgusting queers“, till she noticed all the slurs being thrown around all day long, till she got beat up by a group of men for looking „too gay“

It wasn't like she screamed it out loud before, she was always careful to hide her preference for women, to hide who she really was, but now...now she was scared to even admit it to herself, she started to get mad, to hate herself.

-

„Ey Buckley!" Someone was yelling from the car next to her, but she would know that voice amongst a million others. Steve. She didn't want to look into his eyes, she just couldn't.

„Please don't ignore me anymore, come on...hey, did I do something?" She wasn't even aware that he had stopped the car and gotten out until she felt him grabbing her hand.

She quickly pulled it away „I'm sorry, I just… I can't," she said, trying to get away

„Why…what" his face twisted in confusion, just couldn't give up „Are you okay?...well I mean you obviously aren't but...but I'm your best friend, you know, you can tell me everything if you want, I miss you and I hate seeing you like this, I want to make you feel better and to start hanging out with you again. I miss you“

She felt her whole body relax and her heart beating. This was Steve, her best friend, he knew and didn't care, he didn't hate her because of who she is.

A single tear was rolling down her face as she started to hug him. 'I miss you too, dingus' she said.

-

She wasn't aware of how everything had reached the point where she and Steve were now sitting on the couch in his house, but she finally felt like she wasn't alone.

„Do you want to tell me what happened? You ignored me for a month, didn't answer my calls, didn't open the door at your home, and you weren't even at school almost the whole time“ Steve said, his voice full of worry but no sign of anger or hate that she was already searching for.

She nodded slightly „I don't really know, everything just is too much, I hear everyone talking and everyone is mad and...and I'm disgusting and bad and...“

„Wait...wait...who said that...robin, why would anyone think that?“. He sounded genuinely shocked, he really didn't understand.

„You know…know what I told you…-. In the bathroom… after the whole Russian thing?“ She tried to explain, avoiding directly saying what she meant.

„Robin, hey, but that doesn't make you bad or disgusting, these idiots who say stuff like that aren't having any brain cells. You are like the most amazing person I ever met, you're funny and beautiful and so fucking smart and you liking girls doesn't change anything at all“ Steve pulled robin into his arms.

„Thank you, Steve“ She told him, resting her head against him.

They remained silent for a few minutes, simply embracing and taking comfort in each other's company.

„I got beaten up last month“ She didn't look him in the eyes, she was just staring at the wall.

Steve froze, processing what his best friend just said

„It was a month ago, I just went home after band practice, and it was already dark, there...there was a group of men, and they screamed at me, said I looked like I was gay, I couldn't say anything against that I just froze, they probably took that as an agreement, and they started to beat me up, I couldn't even really walk after that, and I mean it wasn't even that bad I wasn't injured that badly or something but the stuff they said and the stuff that everyone said it just...hurt...so much“. She started to feel lighter after getting that off her chest, but she also felt like a crybaby, tears rolling down again.

After that, Steve almost suffocated her with a hug „Oh my god, robin I'm so, so sorry, these fucking bastards, I'm going to kill every one of them and everyone who just looks at you in a bad way“

She started to laugh quietly, even tho she knew he really meant it.

"Robin? Please promise me to always talk to me when something happens, doesn't matter what, I'm always there for you, okay?, you really mean a lot to me, so please promise me" He said it with such sincerity that she automatically nodded.

At this moment, she realized that she had found a true friend, someone who cared for her and loved her for who she truly was. She would never have to hide who she really was from him. She really loved him platonically.