All I Want

The First Day

I stare out bus seat number 22's window into the parking lot of the school. The seat bounces for a moment, and I look over to my right and see him sitting there, looking right back at me. "Hello." He smiles slightly. I hear Julia laughing over at me with her best friend by her side. She gives me the eyes from across the aisle that indicate about the boy next to me, and I roll my eyes back. "What?" Sean asks, looking at Julia then back at me. "Nothing." I respond, glancing back out the window. "You can't 'nothing' me, Bree." He says. I sigh, but still don't respond. I've been bothered for a while by Sean sitting next to me- not the fact that he does- but the drama that follows. It's been a crazy few weeks, but we've gotten close with each other. We talk a little up until by bus stop, and I get off with a small goodbye. I watch the bus drive off as I walk down the sidewalk to my house, and think about Sean. People have been saying he likes me, but I doubt it. I can be a difficult person, and I'll be the first to admit that. Last year, I fell hard for this guy, Clark... He moved at the end of the year and came back earlier this semester. I may not like him fully but there still is a part of me that lightens up when I see him. The minute I arrive into my house, my phone vibrates. It's Sean. I smile, and respond with "hey." I set my bags down in the kitchen, grab a bag of pretzels, and sit at the table. As I pull out my homework, my phone vibrates again. I know it's going to be difficult today to work when he's constantly texting me. I sigh, pushing my homework slightly away from me, and pick up my phone. I smile again.

Later in the evening, I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling while I wait for Sean's response. My phone vibrates, and I grab it. The screen is bright in the darkness, but I ignore the light.

Sean: "Want to FaceTime?"
Me: "Sure."

I naturally wait for him to call first. Besides, he asked me, right? At his picture lighting up on my phone screen, I answer the call. "Hi," I smile. "Hey." He responds. He's laying in his bed too. "So how's your day been?" He asks, a cheesy smile on his face. "I'm fine. What about you?" I ask him. "Good. What's wrong?" He asks, the smile starting to fade. "I'm just tired." I lie. I can't tell him what I've heard people saying about us. People claim that we should just date. I'm surprised others on our bus haven't spread rumors due to Sean having previously tickled me there. "I'm gonna let you go if you're that tired, okay? Get some sleep. Goodnight." Sean says. I guess I dazed off. "Night." I respond quietly, and the call ends. I climb under my covers, and think about all that's been going on. What could happen next? I've always had a ridiculous fear that I or someone I'm close too will become severely hurt, but that it will blossom a new relationship. That sounds extremely like a fantasy story I would've read a long time ago, but still. It's one fear I've had. And I'm worried that Sean will be the one hurting soon. But another problem will arise with that one-

If Sean is hurting, I will be hurting too.

I can't stand this connection to him. I don't love him. I like him, but I don't believe I'm all the way there yet. I'm still floating off into space when I'm with him, never completely there to experience. Somewhere in the madness of my thoughts, I drift off into a restless sleep.