if forever does exist

prologue

—Life appeared to be slow-paced again, I noticed that it's always like that whenever you're having a hard time and that you'll grow used to it, whenever you're finally happy, time will rush itself. I'm not sure if that's how it is for others but for me, I think it works like that

I'm young and will soon be experiencing adulthood, hm, will I finally understand everything by then? though I highly doubt it, when that time comes I hope I already found someone who won't just pass by. someone who'd stay forever, if it really does exist.

I hope when that time comes I had already figured out what's wrong with me, and what is the cause of some emotions I often feel. I feel like I'm drowning in an endless cycle of fear and disdain, why I always ought to satisfy and please the people who show me the slightest bit of attention and care. 

I chase them and try my best to do everything that would please and make them stay, I know the outcome was always the same and all of them would leave or forget about me but even for a little bit longer, I want someone to be here, just for a little while, could it be that it's incredibly selfish of me to wish for a person to stay and provide me the comfort that I had always needed

I never stopped expecting. whenever someone new would enter my life, I would carry the same hope that maybe they will be the one, I let myself down multiple times but I never stopped trying to make those people happy, the best that I could even if that meant doing something that I evidently find unpleasant,

anything just to make a person stay.

the warmth I feel when someone expresses their care and affection, it's what I long for. the look of adoration and soothing words that are enough to ease my worries. Someone who would proudly say that I'm enough, 

thinking about it makes me happy, just the thought of having someone who genuinely cares and loves you enough to be by your side through the dark times. 

just like spring, I imagine them to be warm and bright, at least enough to brighten up my surroundings. I wish to care for them the same way they do for me, reciprocate the warm feelings that could heal millions of scars.
I wish to meet my spring.