RANDOM STORIES WITH NO CONTEXT

The Tub - A Contemplation

TW: This short story contains themes of Dark Thoughts, passing out, philosophical contemplation about life, and suggestions of depression and anxiety. Please take discretion if you struggle to read about any of these topics.

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I found an experience akin to passing out.

We were at this hotel in South Carolina, and I decided to take a bath after my shower. I turned Damien/William by Sapph on Spotify, filled the tub with about 3 inches of warm water, and turned the light off.

It was pitch black. Closing and opening my eyes had no effect. Eventually, I felt the swelling in my head and a low, soft thrumming in my ears. I could still vaguely hear the music, but I just began...floating. I didn't feel anything, but I wanted to stay in the warm water and be nothing for a little bit. However, there was this nagging fear that I would fall asleep in the bath. (it was like 1 or 2 in the morning, lol)

Hence why this experiment was akin to me passing out. I think I figured out why I was so scared. When I was unconscious, I was outside my body, feeling nothing, seeing nothing, and yet I liked it. It felt like my very soul was being wrapped in a cool, silken embrace.

However, the more I thought of staying, the more fearful I became. What if I don't come back? What if my friend watched me fall into a month-long coma and blame herself? What if my mom found me on the bathroom floor with my head bleeding?

What if I never woke up from the bath? I might enjoy it, sure. To finally be at peace. But the more I think about it, the more ashamed and disgusted of my selfish actions I become. I could never, and I will never do something like that. I have to keep fighting. I have to. I will.

To distract myself from these selfish and disturbing thoughts, I have started creating again. I didn't have a lot of inspiration, I still don't. But I am trying to keep going. I keep telling myself that's what matters.

Another thing I have been doing is watching Mark. Particularly the Hearts and Heroes series, ISWM, AHWM, WKM?, Pain, Respect, and some of the more emotional vlogs. Seeing this man create and cultivate his passion for creation is so inspiring. He loves what he does, and it inspires me to work hard so that I can achieve my goals too.

What are my goals? This is something I am still defining. Should I attend college? If so, what field will I choose? On a specific note, what are my personal goals?

Now, that question is a bit easier to answer coherently.

I once left a comment on Lixian's video, "I FAILED Unus Annus." In this video, he explained his "Active" and "Passive" goals for the year.

Taking this inspiration, I commented,

"This is awesome, and so inspiring! It simply makes sense to have Unus Annus Yearly goals, to walk in the footsteps and follow the precedent they left.
Anyways, here are my yearly goals! They are basic, boring, and naive, but I am hoping that I can improve my life and finally take responsibility for my emotions.

Active Goals: Things I can Actually Do
1. Live a healthier lifestyle (Construct a consistent sleep schedule, eat 3 meals a day, drink more water, do a basic workout each day, etc.)
2. Get my homework done on time so I can be happier and not stressed out all the time.
3. Paint and complete 3 pieces, even if I am unsure of the result.
4. Keep a journal of my thoughts, ideas, hopes, and despairs.

Passive Goals:
1. Start and finish an animation/art Demo or Portfolio
2. Make my mom, sister, friends, and self happier with the days we live.
3. Better my health, happiness, and mental state so that I can be kinder towards others.

I wouldn't normally comment about this stuff, but I want to hold myself to these goals. Memento Mori and Memento Viviré, friends! Have a beautiful day."

Phew. That's an old comment. So far, I have completed my Active Goals, save for the paintings. I have not come CLOSE to making an animation reel, but I can possibly add that to my 2023 goals.

I encourage you all to take similar action because these goals moved me past one of the darker periods in my life. I am not saying that those darker periods will disappear, but having these goals may give you something else to focus on.

Thank you for reading, and have a beautiful day, fellow Doodles, Noodles, and Strudels! Please stay safe, and never forget that you are not alone.