Ride or die

1.

There I sat on my chair in front of my iPad, should have studied for my exams that were waiting to be written in less than two months. Some would say it was quite early to start studying already but when I started university I told myself I would study hard and early in contrast to what I did for my A-levels.

School was only just over for me and I hadn't acclimated to the life of university. There was barely any free time for me since I had one exam every week and if I failed one I wouldn't be allowed to write the big exam which waited at the end of the first semester for me. Biology was what I chose thinking it would be as easy as it was in school. It was fun and there was merely anything that I had to study for to pass the exams in school, what could go wrong deciding to study it as Bachelor of Science, right? Oh how wrong I was.
Well I didn't exactly regretted choosing it. It was interesting to learn all these new things, I just underestimated the amount I had to get into my head not to mention the side subjects I completely forgot I had to take as well.

After now about three months of studying and stressing for the weekly exams I started to get tired of the next day and week coming for me draining me with no pause-button that could be pressen to catch at least one deep refreshing breath. On the side my half stupid self also decided on making my drivers licence...though it was taking the last bit of free time I had left it was the only thing that would make me feel a little less stressed out and gave me a reason to take a break from studying; at least for three hours or four.

My instructor played my therapist which I was definitely in need of seeing. Yes, a professional would have been the better option but he was doing quite a good job, which he always said was part of being a driving instructor.
About one year ago I actually was in therapy, it helped me and after one and a half year I decided to leave therapy thinking I would be able to heal further on my own and for half a year I did continue to get better but with the start of university I was put back into place and clearly shown my borders of healing. The new surroundings and all those new people stressed me out making me insecure and set me back in my progress. Setbacks were part of the progress and I knew that but the last months were filled with countless ones.
It made me question if I would ever heal and be able to eventually leave my trauma behind.

The sound of the alarm clock I set for catching my bus pulled me out of my depressing thoughts. I looked at the notes for this weeks exam one last time before getting up making my way to the wardrobe and over to the door. I passed by my reflection in the mirror which gave me a pathetic and tired look before the said door closed behind me with a quiet snap. I got onto the bus and made my way to the driving school.

I was done with all my theory lessons for car driving, all that was left was the two evenings where I would need to listen to some dude or lady talking to me about motorcycles. After being half way done with my lessons in car driving I became unsure on wether I should even still do my motorcycle licence. It was fun driving a car and the initial fear of not being able to handle such a big monstrosity was gone. There was no more need since it was my only reason I decided to do both licences. I enjoyed riding as the pillion of my father so why paying all that money? I went to the lesson anyways, I needed it for my theoretical test and that wouldn't change so I stuck with it for now.

The train I changed to half way came to a halt at my station. From there it was only 10 meters to the building. Cold November air send chills down my whole body making me shiver for a second and led to me bury my nose even deeper into the red scarf I was wearing around my neck. The lights in the room where I would be sitting for the next three hours was already lit and a thin but tall figure was standing in front of the door I had to walk through.

It was a man smoking a cigarette, I was unsure wether he was there for being lectured or if he was the one giving the lecture. When I arrived he greeted me with a friendly smile and „Hi" while inviting me to enter the room. I chose a seat not to close to any corner but also not to much in the middle or front of the room. I wanted to keep to myself not having to participate to much; I was tired and could feel a migraine coming for me.

Slowly the room started to host more people; in the end it was eleven people filling a few of the black chairs. The guy from the door walked through the tables up to the front which answered the question that came to my mind earlier. „Hi everyone, my name is Patrick", he introduced himself, „welcome to the first to topics of motorcycle theory. We will look at all licence types concerning motorcycles today so I suggest everyone introduces himself and tells us which licence he is doing and maybe why." There went my idea of participating as less as possible. I brushed the feeling of stress of and listened to the girls and boys in front of me. „Ok, so my name is Til, I'm 14 and here to do AM", started the first boy. 14? Was he even allowed to be here? „Ehm, I'm Lisa and I'm 16, I'm doing A1. I want to ride with my boyfriend later." Fair reason. Two more introduced themselves, another A1 and AM and then it was my turn.

„Hi, my name is Nina, I will be doing A2 and..." I stopped a second to think if I should say the real reason I decided on doing this licence but I thought why not so I went for it, „...and I do my licence because cars are just so big and it will be easier to know the start and end of your motorcycle." The room went quiet as everyone was looking at me but then Patrick smirked „well, I've never heard that reason before." and the other people continued introducing themselves and revealing their reasons and which licence they were doing.

As expected my migraine came and I was happy when the three houses were over. My das came to pick me up, it was dark already and I went straight to bed once I was home.

The next week got even more depressing and stressed. I nearly failed my first exam which would have had great consequences so I studied even harder. I talked to my driving instructor about the way I felt but somehow it didn't help this week. One evening  I was sitting at my table again my thoughts wandering off to overthink on wether it was worth it continuing what I was doing and the more I thought about the sense of continuing the way I did. A feeling grew inside of me I never felt so strong, normally I would just feel tired for the next day to come but this time it was different, it was the feeling that I didn't want the next day to come. I just wanted it to end; and I wanted it so badly that it scared me.