Thanks for the Memories

Dust to Dust

A/N: So, the first few chapters will be kinda dark and angsty so i guess there's a trigger warning, but it'll definitely get happier as the story progresses.

Camila's POV

The dirt felt foreign in my hand. Obscure and unfamiliar clutched in my palm. I felt a strange feeling of detachment as I watched my own arm stretch out and drop the soil onto his coffin.

Earth to earth...

I know that it's done to signify mortality, throwing the dirt symbolises returning to the earth. I guess it's supposed to be reassuring for those grieving, but to me it is the most painful part of an already traumatic day. There was a heavy finality to the act, it felt as though I had ripped my heart out and thrown it in the six foot deep hole along with my fiancé.

Stepping back from his grave on trembling legs, I tried to hold back the absolute despair I felt crawling down my throat and slicing hotly at my gut, the pain pressed deeply into my bones. I melded back into the crowd of black behind me and felt the light pressure of a hand on my forearm, it was done reassuringly and I knew immediately that it was his mother. The blonde head of Danny's Mom was bowed in grief and respect, her hair was such a similar shade to his...to Max's. The thought caused my breath to hitch. She looked calm and collected next to me but her hand still gripping my arm was quivering with such ferocity I had to place my own hand over it to steady her.

I looked around, trying to drown out the sound of the priest and the sobbing from behind me. The weather was wrong; it was a blazing hot sunny afternoon in L.A, a bright and beautiful spring day. The season of new life, but here we stood on death and endings. It should be raining, pouring upon us dark and foreboding and reflective.

The priest was finishing up the ceremony and his casket was lowered into the earth. He was in there, my future husband. My future. My everything. Sealed in oak and silk-lined innards, sunk into the ground to rot and decay.

He is gone...and I am not. I want to jump into the open grave and claw open the casket with my bare hands and drag him out. I want to shake him awake, punch, scratch, kiss and pray him awake, alive.

I felt hands pulling at my arms, suddenly I realised I had fallen to my knees. Strong arms wrap around my waist and I turn to see Danny's Dad giving me a look of absolute helplessness. He whispered, 'Take your time,' into my ear and then walked away with the other mourners.

I stayed until I went numb, mentally and physically, until Dinah came to get me. She started to lead me away and I finally tore my eyes away from his grave. That is when I saw her, hidden in the trees to my left. She is cast in shadows, dark Ray Ban's covering her eyes, black clothes and long dark hair all contrasting starkly with her pale complexion. Lauren Jauregui.

The numb state I achieved moments ago dissipated in an abrupt eruption of rage at the sight of that bitch!

I surged forward, ready to tear her limb from limb, when Dinah's arms pulled me back.

'Just leave it, Mila. She's not worth it.'

A cloud of red was obscuring my vision, I felt the anger bubbling within me. How dare she show up to Danny's funeral, how dare she watch them lower his coffin into the ground when she was the one who put him in it.

Lauren's POV

Maybe coming to his funeral uninvited wasn't the best idea, I tried to stay hidden throughout the ceremony but Camila definitely saw me. I felt the anger from her eyes penetrate me from across the graveyard. I don't care though, but that might be the alcohol, even though she hates me, blames me there is no way in hell I was going to miss my best friends funeral.

I was angry too, I tried to project that to her from the shadows, this wasn't my fault. But I couldn't help the sliver of guilt that that needled its way into my conscience, jabbing and pricking sharply when I think about what I could've done differently.

I watch Dinah pull Camila away and towards their waiting car, grief was evident in her every step.

I took another sip of whiskey from my hip flask and look at the hole in the ground that contained the friend I considered more of a brother than anything.

 The tears fell freely and I wiped them away swiftly, mad that I didn't get to stand with his closest people and say goodbye, mad that I am shunned to the shadows like an outcast because of secrets shared only by myself and the man they just buried. Mad at Danny for putting me in this position. Mad at myself for being angry at my dead friend. But mostly I am mad at Camila who gets to mourn the man she knew for little over five years while my lifetime worth of friendship is disregarded.

Tipping the flask up to my lips again I come up empty and frown. Instead, I take out the fresh pack of Marlboro Lights and light a cigarette. It is my first one in years, the smoke fills my lungs and the nicotine rush mixed with the whiskey makes my head spin. It's not as nice as I remember.

Danny's wake is being held at his parents' house. I know the address well; I should do considering I lived opposite it for eighteen years.

Walking slowly towards his grave I stop to read the engraved marble, the epitaph read:

Daniel Kennedy

Beloved Son and Father...

I ripped my eyes away, unable to read the rest. We joked once, no so long ago about what we would have written on our headstones. He said he wanted 'Told you I was sick...'

We laughed at the time, finding humour in the morbid. A coping mechanism Danny developed near the end. It felt like a kick in the stomach now.

I watched the mourners leave; taking a final drag of the cigarette I drop it on the ground and stamp out the burning ember-

...Ashes to ashes...

-and made my way to his parents house.