Yeah.. Love.

Its all 'good'

I lay there, still, as I stare at the ceiling thinking 'again? I have to do this again?' recently days have been the worst thing in my life I've hated it, eating, talking, picking up my phone has been difficult recently, at this point I just check to see how many people actually care about me or just needs something from me.

I plug in my phone to the charger and go back to staring at the ceiling 'honestly you're just useless' 'nobody cares about you just stop begging for attention' 'he doesn't want you he is just playing with you' 'he doesn't like you' 'he only liked you for ur body just like everyone else says "perfect body wrong face" ' All of a sudden the voices stop and from the corner of my eye and I see a bright light beaming out of my phone screen.

I reach over to it as my sleeve rolls up again "shit" I say under my breath it wasn't a goodnight yesterday. I see multiple names and texts and smile to myself.

NOTIFICATIONS

Messages

Lyra<3(3 texts)
Aestraea 🙄

I don't feel like answering them right now.

I walk downstairs going into the kitchen deciding wether I binge or not. I haven't eaten in a while so I decide to binge a little bit. I take a shit load of food and go to the living room turning on the tv watching gilmore girls.

I feel like shit. I look over all of the food I've stuffed in my mouth. I stand up looking at my body, god im ugly. no one wants a fat friend. with that I start to feel guilt, regret, sick. I ran to the toilet kneeling down infront of it as I shove two fingers down my throat trying to get it all out. 5 minutes later im still here making sure nothing is still down there.

I get up flushing the bowl of sick and washing the rest of it off my fingers. I look up at myself again. I look pale. my hair is knotty. I smell. I turn the shower on and start undressing myself. I shut my eyes as I hate seeing myself without layers and layers over my disgusting body.

TW SH AND SA MENTION

I hate my arms filled with scars, some new some old. I hate my stomach that pops out if I don't suck it in. I hate my box shape, my stupid hipdips, I hate everything about my body, not one thing I like that isn't untouched.

I step into the shower feeling the burning water trickle down through my hair and down my back. I feel my skin tingle as it becomes weak to the boiling water and I start tearing up at the pain. its good pain though. it hurt a lot but its good..

The voices come back telling me to stop being an attention seeker and that's I need to turn the cold water on along with the hot, its warm now. I grab the shampoo and add a few pumps into my hand massaging it into my hair rinse shampoo rinse conditioner. I leave that in for the rest of the shower as I grab a loofa adding shower gel into it and start scrubbing my whole body aggressively.

TW SH AGAIN

I start to wash my thigh and scrub aggressively over one of my cuts. I fall to the ground screaming in agony. "FUCK" I grab my thigh really tight trying to stop the pain and see blood seeping through the small spaces between my fingers I lift my hand and a pool of blood that my hands have held rushes down my leg as I pass out.

I wake up. Still in the shower. Pink water around me along with the company of darkness. I rinse out the conditioner that has been in my hair for hours and look down, the cut isn't bleeding anymore but I feel dizzy nauseous even. I get out drying myself and head to my room to check how long its been.

                01:37AM                                                      SATURDAY 17TH OF JANUARY

NOTIFICATIONS

Messages

Lyra<3 (58 texts)

Astraea 🙄 (67 texts)

Luke 👍🏼. (4 texts)

Nadia (2 texts)

Jessy 🫀( 14 texts )

Jack 😐 (2 texts )

Holy shit. I did not realise so many people wanted to talk to me. Was I that out that long? I open Astraea's texts first since she gets really stressed and pissed off when I leave her on delivered for ages. She's really protective.

Astraea🙄

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

ESTELLE FUCKING GAITON ANSWER

ISTFG IF YOU THINK THIS IS FUCKING FUNNY YOU'RE DEAD THE SECOND I COME HOME

FUCK YOU

ANSWER YOU KNOW I GET SCARED AS SHIT
2 hours after
Estelle?

Estelle answer or im getting a plane ticket and coming over there myself.

Texts me by 2 am or im coming home please.

                                                                                                                                                      Im okay I just passed out in the shower for a little while <3

What. Why?
I got up wayyy too quickly

Okay. Are you alright now?

Yeah of course

Okay, Love you
❤️

I hate lying to her but i dont want her to know i'm not okay. I go and text Everyone almost the same thing as before reassuring them i am okay and have nothing to worry about.
I need to eat something.. At least a toast with butter. Come on i can do this i can do it.

you man know how to make toast and im lazy so sys.

I put the crumb filled plate on the floor next to my bed. there is hardly any space. i'll clean my room another time. 

I play my Spotify playlist as 'Fade Into You' starts playing. God I love this song. I stare at the ceiling concentrating on the meaningful lyrics as they danced through one ear to the other. I drift to sleep almost hoping not to wake up