give me this

new light

He Tian, have you thought about the future?

I think about it every day.

*   *   *

Mo is now lounging on the sofa, needing to get away from He Tian's intense gaze. And questions. And comments.

Left alone, he ponders when he'll heal and be able to return home. He knows his mother is worried, even when he tells her not to be. Even though she should be and is, and for good reasons. As shitty as his life is, he can't help but think it'd be just a little bit shittier without He Tian. Sure, he's gotten him into messes, forces him to play maid, pesters him all day at school, and seemingly has no sense of personal space, but Mo has been seeing his actions in a different light.

The messes usually start fun, even Mo can admit that, but they tend to go wrong. Be it his own attitude, He Tian's idiocy, or a mudslide for fucks sake, Mo enjoys himself for at least that small amount of time where they can be teenagers and fuck around. It's a luxury he didn't know he wanted so bad before. When fucking around meant having real, unadulterated fun, not getting a needle forced through his ear because that's some psychopath's idea of fun. Being in She Li's gang took a lot away from him. No free time, no hanging out with other students for a game of basketball in the evenings, no walking around with people you'd consider your friends, not being with people who make you feel wanted and safe. It's something he has now, and he knows it's mainly thanks to He Tian.

Being forced to cook may be an exaggeration. At least now, it is. In the beginning, Mo only showed up to make food for this devil because of one of two reasons: money and intimidation. As tough as Mo likes to appear, he knows He Tian is stronger. More cunning, too. Manipulative. Selfish. Arrogant. But that's not the point. Mo also tends to be in need of money, and He Tian can provide that. Even if it means being with He Tian, he'll take the profit. Now, though he was reluctant to admit to himself, he likes being with He Tian and cooking him food, even if it's usually the same request of beef stew. Watching the boy eat and thoroughly enjoy his cooking has grown on him. He may tell He Tian he doesn't have to pay him to cook anymore. Or maybe he won't, it needs more thought.

Not to mention he likes to think nobody else has seen He Tian like this. None of his fan club has seen this He Tian. Docile and eager to be with you, willing to drop the facade (at least some of it) when around you and only you.

Which leads him to his next change of heart, being pestered at school (and work). It seems he can't escape He Tian's radar for him, the teen always knowing where he is. Just like last night, when he surprised Mo by being behind him, asking what happened out of nowhere. It was nice though, having him there with him after what he had just been through. He silently thanked any gods listening for He Tian's sixth sense. He would even go so far to say that instead of pestering or bothering, it's now comforting. He might even say he looks forward to it. Might even say he finds himself counting down the final ten minutes of class because he knows he will see He Tian soon and have that familiar weight of his arm slung around his shoulder. Then again, he might not say that. Not out loud.

He's also always smiling with Mo, not that fake one he flashes and the girls and teachers passing by, but a real one. Mo sees it out of the corner of his eye. He sees the soft, content smile he wears when just talking or even sitting in silence together. He sees the toothy grin when Mo reacts exactly how He Tian wanted him to when he teases him about something. He sees, he sees, and he sees. People may think he doesn't pay attention, but he does. Especially when it's He Tian. Because he wants to know. He wants to see and experience and remember.

He's always hanging off of Mo, not any other student that he's sure would love to be in Mo's position. Being sought out for like he is by He Tian makes him feel wanted, safe, and cared for. Not like an outcast, criminal, or poor low life his classmates like to call him when they think he's not listening. Not all the things he's been led to believe are true about himself throughout the years.

Alright, he thinks, shaking his head. That's enough disgusting thoughts, I'm getting a headache.

He glances around and spots He Tian's school bag against the arm of the sofa. Nosy, Mo opens it and flips through homework and old quizzes and tests, not surprised but scoffing at all the good marks. Smart bastard. Share some with the rest of us. Though he supposes that's exactly what his tutoring will do. He briefly daydreams of receiving higher marks than He Tian. Maybe it's quite the fantasy, but the thought is nice and funny enough.

He continues to rummage through his bag and finds a notebook. Not wanting to leave anything not scoped out, he opens it and is hit with immediate regret. There are doodles. Actual doodles. The kind that toddlers draw on the wall with crayon? Yeah, doodles. What is this guy's problem? How someone like He Tian is so childish is beyond Mo.

Upon a closer look, the small drawings littering most of the pages are him and He Tian. There are a few of the both of them, like one where they're riding a motorcycle, but it's mainly Mo. There's one of him eating a sandwich and another where he's playing the guitar. Mo thinks He Tian should seriously consider thinking about his own life more often instead of making his own for Mo. He blushes against his will and hurriedly flips through the rest of the notebook, not wanting to dwindle on the thought of He Tian being bored in class and turning to drawing them together as he tunes out the lesson. Seriously, how does he have good grades when his head is clearly fucked up?

He briefly remembers having made his own little doodles. Little drawings on notebook paper while video chatting with He Tian on that horrid, horrid night. Honestly, who thinks groping a pillow is seductive? Certainly, not Mo. Nope. He recalls more drawings that he did in class, too confused with what was on the board to care about learning it. The vague image of a dog doodle that represented He Tian makes him almost feel like he's no better than He Tian. But he is, of course. He has the decency to throw them away and ignore their brief existence.

He reaches a page where there's a small paragraph. It reads:

"Little chili pepper was super fierce today. I pissed him off so hard, you could use his rigid body to break boulders.
If he were a dog, then I'd be his leash and hold onto him every day."

There's no telling what day this was written on, but odds are he did in fact piss Mo off that much. A small laugh escapes him as he lets He Tian's creativity leave him floored. As for the leash thing, well, Mo thinks they're not so far off from it. Though he wonders who would fit the dog role better. He gets that the one holding the leash is technically following behind the dog, but he thinks it safer to say He Tian is the one following him like a lost puppy. Reddening again at the comparison, he decides it isn't safe to dwell on the words for too long. It's best to keep going.

He resumes invading He Tian's privacy (it's a little weird to be on the opposite side of this) by skimming through the remaining pages, stopping when he passes a page towards the end with writing on it.

Better not be another weird jumble of nonsense.

It's something that's been marked out, clearly with vigor since there are many harsh scribbles over it. Somehow, someway, Mo can make out what it says, and it leaves him staring at the words with a tight chest.

"Will he be sad if I leave?"