Holocene

14.06
Teacher Turner said I was to write in English if I wanted to improve my skills, so let's write stuff in english.
I don’t quite understand what I really feel these days. It’s weird, painful most of the time but I still found some glimpses of happiness while laughing with Fiala,  Juliane or Camille. I feel like I now really consider the girls from school as part of my life. They're quite awesome but I’m a bit scared of building new friendships that could last only a few months.
However, something feels wrong. I’ll try to put words on it but, myself, I do not really understand most of it. I shall start with what comes to my mind before talking about us…
    Concerning friendships. All is foggy. I mean I used to have my “forever here” but now I’m not sure anymore. I mean, I already told you about my feelings concerning Alicia but I feel like being more and more distant with her these days. I don’t really know if I want to let this story slip away or not. She doesn't even know about it. Maybe the crux of the problem concerning my friendships is Louis, in a way I always thought that it was just a phase and things will come back to normal by itself. But I obviously was wrong and maybe for the better. I don’t know exactly what he told you but what I’m sure of is that he used to mean a lot to me and it will never be the same. You and Alicia took your side, if there's a need for a side, and after all it’ll be ok. I just have to forget the idea of a “family” that you talked about last year.
Regarding the others, our team from HS is obviously a lost memory but hopefully we’ll organize some “alumni meeting” mdr. I do still talk to some of them as Martin, Rayan or Arnaud to some extent.
About the girls, the feeling is mixed here too. They're awesome but I don’t feel as chill as I can with other ppl. However, I like our catch-ups and I love them but it’s just not… idk. I also miss Mélina, but after many tries to see how she was going, it’s obvious that it’s either too soon or just a closed book.
    Maybe the main issue after all is that I’m not just looking for friends but for a family. And you knew you were in the middle of it. I think that I told you enough time what you meant to me, and if I did not make myself clear then my bad but you can not pretend you didn't knew how much I used to love you. But now everything is so messed up in my head, in my heart. I … I still have feelings for you, obviously, but I don’t feel safe to share them with you. I’m afraid of you, of the power you always had but I thought you never will use. I sometimes cry in the middle of nothing or each time I hear a sad song or one I heard that night. That night you stopped to fight for me and for us. I felt like not enough for you or for anyone and maybe I am. Each time something is wrong I can’t help but think that you regret being with me because “something better is waiting for you somewhere else”. And I know you’ll tell me you’re sorry and all, but that night you really meant what you said. Those words were not ones you say while angry and lost. Though they echoed in me as words that had grown on you before erupting in the situation.  I know we already discussed all of this but it seems like your letter didn’t really convince my inner self.
That night you said you already did a lot to me and I should realize it one day. Maybe you did, but I don’t really feel like it… I’m not saying you weren't  the sweetest when you were cooking me dinner, buying flowers or just holding me tight all night long, but I feel like I shouldn’t think of myself as unworthy of being heard in my needs… We had a lot of drama going on during this relationship, and afterall, the issues were quite always the same : lack of communication, isolation from myself and withdrawal from yours… and after each long night argument, a promise. One about how you regret things, knowing that if you felt like it you could have been the one angry, I know I’m also to blame in some way. But as you multiplied these promises, more were added to the ones you didn’t carry for more than a week. I’m blaming you for always choosing the easy way to apologize, for saying all these empty words, at the end of the day : I’m blaming you for abandoning us too often. You always choose the easy way, and that can not always work in life.
Ok I'm being mean, sorry. But all these things you said… that I’m not the one for you, in fact staying was nothing more than a lost of precious youth in your mouth, you wanted me to promise that I will not stick to you the day that you’ll found someone better, and that… that is a hell of a trauma mdr, you were asking me to face one of my biggest fear as something that will have to happen in a close or long term.
All this project seems to be as many dreams I built up. And considering this, I thought about all the times I was in fact the one to develop this utopia : building our home, listing all the things we’ll need to remember the day we’ll have children… And at the same time, you were the one questioning our entire future as my religious implication were too much, as you knew for sure that if I was not to bear children you’ll have to say goodbye, as you stayed agressif when I talked to you about my dismissal of your political ideas… Thus, concerning the political subject, it is a good thing to build its opinion, but building it means questioning its choice, looking after the world’s situation, and being able to keep the other’s opinions at distance while considering every thing heard. I for myself don’t have a fixed position on politics, I haven’t found my political mate mdr but what’s triggering me with your way of processing things is that you feel so sure of what you’re talking about when you’re in fact very stubborn and haven’t experienced anything of what you are talking about. You see numbers as they please you, and even if most of us are doing the same, you really are convinced by what you heard or read here and there. I have to confess that I saw your chat with Louis the other day… I was to search something on your phone (i don’t really know what we needed) and your page was on your insta chats with Louis’s discussion at the top, I was to curious to see if I could find messages from the night you let me, I wanted to know the role of Louis in it. I found nothing about what I was looking for but a memes about onlyfans and girls “complainig about oversexualisation” as you said, afterall we’re obviously looking for sexual attention you’re right. The thing is that it’s not funny, not when women live with it everyday, not when we grow up being observed by guy on the subway, at school, on the street or even at home. You don’t know how it feels to not feel secure just because you put a crop top on, you don’t know how it feels of having to put a pant after school when you know you’re going in the subway and people could way to easily follow you for 20 minutes, asking you questions about yourself and wanting physical touch. You don’t know all of it, so I can’t let you think that the way some women have found to take profits in a deeper situation is to be ashamed.
Moments like this are the ones where I found out that I maybe don’t really know you. I fell in love with you a long time ago, and maybe I built up a picture of you. Maybe the cute boy I was loving so deeply was just the tip of a much deeper iceberg. Maybe you’re right and I am not meant for you if I can’t let you be fully yourself. Maybe I am only seeing the best part of you when I’m with you.
You know, the day you came, the first night we had together after this sunday, I wasn’t sure of how to act, so I tried to keep a smiley face and welcome you as usual. But things were obviously different and I wasn’t sure of your love but I didn't want to talk as it was too soon. It was hard to find your lips, hard to let you come back on your decision, knowing what I had to do for you to take me back. You wanted to kiss me, even if I wasn't sure I could handle it but I finished by letting you do so. And then I felt an urgent need of feeling you, I needed to merge with your soul through our body. I wanted to feel your love, this emotion we usually feel, I needed you to show me you were sorry and you were loving me. I wanted you to kiss my body, to hold me, to make love to me, I was broken and needed to be shown that it was just a moment we'll fight together. But we had sex. You choked me, gave me rough sex as I usually love. I don’t blame you for this, it’s just that after this I felt even worse I think. I also hope that you haven't felt forced by my advances.

17.06
You’re annoying me. I don't know if I want to be in your arms or if I prefer being far away from you. I know you’re busy with all the final things but I’m tired of us. I’m tired of this situation in which we’re not openly mad at each other but neither happy. I’m not fine and I’m tired of pretending. Everything is so ambiguous. On one hand I feel like I need you more than anything and on the other side I feel exhausted from all this “trying”. You’re obviously not willing to fight and it’s not just a consequence of your exam phase. I’m thinking a lot but I don’t know where the issue from this mess is. Maybe we need a fresh start, a renewal of our usual ways. Maybe we could try again. But I’m not sure that it will go anywhere and that you even want to improve our relationship in that way. Something broke that night. Things are different between us and I don’t know if there is a way for it to be fixed. After all, maybe you were right, maybe we’ll regret being attached to something that won't work. I don’t want you to look back on our relationship later on and think of it as a mistake, because if we continue to let it crumble to ashes, it is how you’ll see it.
I’m lost in my own feelings. To be honest, I’m balanced between times where I’m deeply sad of the situation and times where this sadness becomes rage and my feelings for you are nothing good. There are times when I want to forget everything that happened and just come back to the good all days, the one when our skin were sun kissed and we were walking hand in hand across our hometown streets, the time when you had prepared a gorgeous table with red roses waiting for me to arrive, the time when you gifted me my necklace out of nowhere with other little attentions, the time when I was hugging you from behind as you were cooking freshties for us, the time when you made me a chicken soup knowing I wasn’t feeling good… However, there are moments when I don’t recognise you anymore, moments when I recall all the things you told me that night, how you were so sure of what you wanted, moments when I figure out that we may have spent more time fighting than simply loving each other. And It’s during these moments that I feel betrayed. Betrayed by all the sweet words you once told me, by all the hope you gave me as I was looking for a brighter future and for someone to share it with, for a family. And it is when I can't stand your text, your little hearts. And obviously things go also otherwise. I mean that I would like to hear you telling me that you love me even if I don’t say it, I would like you to tell me that you miss me, that you're sorry for all of this, that you want to be with me, that you never meant what you said. I know you’ve already said it, but I need to hear it from your, I need to feel that you want things to improve.

19.06
Will we said simple "I love you" to each other a day? I mean not just after à fight but the one at the end of a phone call, the one you steal from me just when I'm going to tell something. Our ones. I don't know if things can be as they used to once again. I'm still tired of crying for nothing and I want to get my aurelou back but even calling you like this don't feel right anymore. Every ways that could let you see my feelings for you are immediately hidden so you're unable to use it against me. Friday I wanted to try again, to let you see a part of my heart. So I told you that I was missing you, adding a "little bit" so that I didn't feel too exposed. But you made fun of me, took it personally. It must seems so stupid for you, all my anxiety, all my feelings due to some words I provoked in a way. But what do you want me to do? Do as if nothing and rot from the inside until everything crashes a day? Because I can't change myself, how I perceive things, how I process them… I desperately want tell those three words to you sometimes but I can't. And seeing you don't say them neither doesn't help. When I call you, a part of me wants you to sneak those words after a goodnight. The other part won't know what to answer. And the last part knows that those words don't mean the same to you as they mean to me. I'll always remember the first time I told you that I was loving you, your eyes were boring of me taking some time, would have been the same if you answered "cool me too" mdr and I feel like the same thing gonna happen the next time I told you so. Adding to the "nice I'm still able to break you if needed to".

Il a rompu avec moi la semaine d'après. Il m'aimait plus.