I look in the mirror too much.
I look in the mirror and I see somoene I can't stand, yet I can't stop staring.
Why am I like this?
Why do I look the way I do?
I never really cared about it when I was younger. But now I'm older. I'm older and I can look and I can see and I know the things that are wrong. I know when I'm too fat. I know when my skin is gross and crusty and red. I can see the shape of my face and the size of my eyes and my lips and my nose. My hair—my goddamn hair, don't get me started. It's more trouble than it's worth. But here I am, stuck with it. Sometimes I can like it, sometimes I can ignore it, but a lot of times it's an ever present reminder of my inability to fucking take care of myself.
Why am I like this?
Then there's the way I act. Oh, oh boy, is this fun!
Attention. I want attention. I crave it so fucking badly, but half the time I'm just so fucking scared because I know most of that attention is gonna be negative. But you know what?! I can't help it! I wanna be loved! I'm sick of being neglected! Or used! Or hated! But it never changes! It's a goddamn cycle!
But you know what?! I know I'm annoying! I know I'm over the fucking top! I don't know when to quit! But what do I do?! No matter how many times I tell myself it's a bad idea, or I should stop, or be quiet, I go on and do something stupid anyways! Sometimes I can't even fucking control myself! It's like autopilot! Other times I just go "fuck it" and then fuck it up!
I hate it! I hate this! Why am I like this?! Why am I like this?!
How is this fair?! It's not fair to me that I got fucked over and now I can't figure myself out! But my feelings dont matter! But what else?! It's not fair to annyone else! What did they do to deserve someone like this!
WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!
WILL SOMEONE ANSWER ME?!
NO!! THEY WON'T!
...they won't.
Nobody will.
...I want out.
I wish I could just...break this skin open. Crawl out and start anew.
I wish I was never born.
...No.
I wish I was born as someone else.
Someone loveable, maybe?
...Heh.
Maybe I can get reborn.
...Nah. I'm not good enough for that.
I hate myself. Everyone else probably hates me. So, why am i like this?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
