fifty shades of fuck you

fuck you

You really think this was a normal, sunny, beautiful day? No. Oh, no no no. See, no day was beautiful in this godforsaken world. Regardless, a young woman studying English Lit in college was currently on her way to fill in for an interview with the famous Christian Grey on a day as normal as any for her. However, as she stepped into the elevator and stepped out, suddenly she was no longer a woman? She also suddenly had no recollection of ever studying English Literature in university. What university did she even go to? No, now she was a five foot, five inches short, brown haired and eyed young man who, despite turning twenty three in a few months, had two master's degrees and a PhD. Clearly, he was also dressed for the occassion, since he was wearing a very fancy pair of jeans and a red zip-up hoodie which was unzipped and left his white polo with one collar up and the other down visible. It was also suddenly the year 2022. How did this happen? Fuck you, that's how.

Walking up to who he had already dubbed as "Rich Bitch McRichbitcherson" in his head, the young man sat on Grey's desk, confidence exuding from him despite his horrible social skills and general anxiety. He was, simply put, rather good at acting. With a soft clear of his throat, he began speaking as he read a paper he'd been holding. 

"Hi there. I'm Zyler and you don't need to know my last name, but it's Darkshore. Unfortunately, that one woman whose name I don't know because she didn't write it on this paper is unavailable, and so I'm filling in for her. She's written me a few questions that she'd like to ask me- I mean you." He huffed, giving a thumbs up and hoping the evil (rich) man in front of him did not stand up, unhinge his jaw and devour him for a minor grammatical mistake. After skimming through the piece of paper, he realised that all the questions "fucking suck ass balls," groaned and began folding the paper into an airplane so he could throw it and have it dancingly descend on someone's head from several storeys down on the street. As he was doing this, however, he noticed the most amazing and creative question. 

After preparing himself for how dazzling and cool this question would be for the other, Zyler cleared his throat and spoke up again. "Are you gay?" 

Grey stared at him blankly and asked "Really? No, I am not-"

"Didn't ask + L + ratio + you're white." Zyler wanted to say because the internet had rotted his brain. It didn't at all matter that he literally did ask (there was nothing wrong with any of the other amazingly argued points he chose not to make). Still, instead he let Rich Bitch McRichbitcherson continue.

"Let me ask you a question-" Grey began. This time Zyler was not having this.

"Nope!" He imitated Ryan Drummond's Sonic perfectly, ripped the backrest off of the chair behind him and jumped out of the window, then skated away as a random truck started chasing him.

This was simply irresistible to Christian Grey because this guy??? Said no??? To him??? Sure that hurt his pride but clearly he was just like all the other girls and had to be overpowered because if he just said yes he would be a whore. Plus he was clearly a clumsy idiot because of that one slip-up he had, and he loved young, easily manipulated clutzes. Sure, he wasn't gay but he never said he was straight, and some creeps will just creep on anyone.

...

So, did Christian just leave this poor boy alone? Of course not! A few days later, Zyler was working on one of his insanely useless science projects, but he was out of iron chains that he for whatever reason needed, so he headed to a hardware store. Immediately, he ran into Christian Grey. 

"Zyler." Grey began. Zyler stared at him for two seconds, then took out his phone and turned around to call his best friend who was like a brother to him, Toby. 

"Toby, jumalauta, mä autoin kerran jotain saatanan naista, jota mä en ees tunne ja nyt mul on joku kusipää rikas stalkkeri!"He told Toby.

Unfortunately, Toby was a police officer and would not do anything until his brother was found dead in a ditch somewhere, so he was of no help.

Running absolutely was an option because Zyler was absolutely faster than Grey. Still, he chose to stay. For a bit. This guy was kind of attractive as long as he didn't open his mouth or do anything at all. Unfortunately, Zyler noticed Grey beginning to talk again. He screamed and ran away.

...

After ages and ages of hounding, Zyler had somehow found himself in this creepy, disgusting guy's penthouse. He didn't really remember what exactly had led to this, but here he was. Looking around the room as he aimlessly walked around because standing still was for lame neurotypical people, he noticed a piano, and immediately made a curvy line for it because walking straight was for lame straight people (cool straight people also walk in curvy lines). 

"Oh my gods! A piano!" He gasped, pointing at it. "Have you watched Lucifer?"

"What." Was all Grey had to say at first. "You know what?" he scoffed, taking out a piece of paper and handing it to Zyler. "Sign my cool sex contract." 

Zyler read it, then set the paper on fire with his cool fire powers. Somehow the paper did not burn, but stayed lit. "Bitch, you want me to sign this weird fucking BDSM lifestyle sex contract?! That's not even legal! What the fuck? Also I have never even had sex, I mean what even-"

"You're still a virgin?" Grey stepped closer, staring Zyler in the eyes. Eye contact was for lame neurotypical people so Zyler punched Grey in the face to make him stop looking at him. 

"Yeah! But you know what? I just realised it doesn't matter! I mean, I have read all theory after all." Zyler smirked at his amazing joke. He was so fucking funny that surely everyone would love it.

Grey stopped in his tracks, staring at Zyler with a dark expression. The piano turned to stare at Zyler with "WTF" suddenly painted on it. Suddenly, all of a sudden, from every window people barged in with helicopters and guns and pinned Zyler on the floor. Grey went into a fetal position and cried in a corner for ten years due to the horrible trauma he had suffered as a result of meeting a Vaushite in real life. 

 Unfortunately, Zyler was too powerful and he accidentally blew up the entire world, leaving only himself to float around in space alone forever. This was still better than sharing a world with Christian Grey.