Thoughts

4/05/15

You talked to me today. For the first time in ages may I add.
Why do I get so hung up so easily? I have tried so many damn things to distance myself from you; to try to become less and less so that I don't scare you away.
Yes, I am scared of saying the wrong thing; I will admit it, right here, right now.
I can't come to a conclusion as to why I tried to distance myself from you even though you live three hours away anyway.
Deleting messengers so you can't talk to me and everything.
Why did I do that? I don't even know.

But look. Here I am, giving up once more.
I don't know what it is about you that makes me fall to your feet. I am a sucker for you and it is getting so hard and so FRUSTRATING when you are not here.
I can't concentrate when you are always in the back of my mind. Everything I do, say, anything... You're always on my mind.
I have tried to look at other boys with my friends to see if it will help me get over you: it doesn't help. Nothing helps. What even is HELP in this day and age.
Today, one of the HOTTEST boys in my year commented on my Instagram photo. Yes I was excited that he had actually acknowledged my presence in this society but I didn't feel anything. Nothing. No emotion whatsoever. Unlike when you were sitting next to me and I was looking into your eyes like they were the most beautiful things I'd ever witnessed in my life. That was when I was five by the way. And you were six. I looked up to you. I wanted to be like you.
You kept coming and going throughout my life and every time you came: I remembered how much I cared about you and how much of a role-model you were too me. Then every time you left, it would take me a couple of weeks to just completely stop thinking about you. But now. As teenagers, you coming back yet again made my mind EXPLODE with memories of you from when we were younger. At the very first sight of you in my neighbours kitchen I thought to myself. GREAT! HERE WE GO AGAIN.
And unfortunately for me it has been around three months since you left again back home and I still think about you every single day. This never used to happen.
You better come back soon or I am going to completely lose my mind. I hope you feel the same way about me as I do you.
Is it okay to be scared? I guess so. I just don't want to lose myself before everything starts.
I love you.